She Is A Woman

humans and our limited ability to understand things beyond our human senses and comprehension, we tend to categorize people by that factors and characteristics we have been taught to use. We limit our world by words and concreteness which in fact only allows us to understand a very small portion of the world we live in. Our brains have not developed to their full capacity and our beliefs are still rather infantile and it shows by our behavior here on planet earth. 

One of the reasons I did a 180 on many of my views regarding trans issues, was the way my wife Lynna was being treated. First by the trans community when she started questioning things after her severe car accident, and recently by radical feminists. When Lynna was recuperating from her accident, she was doubting her self in many ways and  feared that she was not going to be able to continue her transition which led to many questions that were offensive to many in the trans community, with reasons of coarse, which then led to arguments amongst her once friends and followers. I quickly jumped in and defended her as her boyfriend at the time, and although I had lots to lose since I had a media outlet promoting the community, my only concern was Lynna and her health. We said and did many things that we are ashamed of now, and since then we have had a change of heart and  have apologized to a community we both love and respect dearly.

There seems to be an animosity from some radical feminist towards trans women, and when Lynna identified as a gender variant male, they were all in love with her and rallied behind us. But of coarse that was only because we were their darlings, saying what they wanted to hear. Now fast forward when Lynna and I have had a change of heart and wanted to start the New Year with a different tone and voice, a voice that will allow everyone to be who they are without judgment or hate. A voice of unconditional love for all. Well RF would not have it, and instead started challenging, bullying and attacking us for our new message of love.

I want to say to everyone reading this blog that I believe trans women are women, they are the most amazing women on earth. Although some are still learning their way around womanhood, they stumble, may still be in their teenage years, but don't think for one moment that the blossoming will not take place. Once they sort themselves out, own who they are, trans women will be Goddesses without a doubt. My Lynna is the most amazing Goddess around, sorry girls, but she is my queen, my life, my world and my every heart beat. Lynna is beautiful inside and out, she has changed my heart and taught me how to love, something I did not ever know how to do. So here I stand in front of the world and tell you Lynna is a woman, she is a woman because of her heart, her soul, her every essence screams female, and I feel sorry for those of you who cannot allow trans women to be the gender they say they are. Get to know and love one, and you too will quickly see the they are women. 

Lynna has actually taught me to be a women, she has brought Maritza back and now I will fight for her and her transgender sisters. There is room for us all, I am no more or no less of a woman than trans women are. They are amazingly beautiful and tender, they deserve the right to be. 

Love you all, please love yourselves too

Ritz

Self Reflecting Bug

In reality when people fight against a particular cause or person, they are actually fighting the demons they deal with, within themselves on a daily basis.  My transition was all about hating parts of me that was made to feel undesirable and unwanted. The upbringing and stereotypical format we as women are use to contend with, leads us to become that which we hate, and run away from that which we are. I see all these movements waving a hate flag, making everyone the enemy and in reality doing much of nothing but endless void voices without action or real cause. 

I fought my femininity for the longest time and only wanting to feel my masculine parts that constitutes a part of me. I feel so much need now to embrace the sacred feminine in me. I want my long hair, my soft hairless skin, a body that moves swiftly and gingerly through this world. I want more than anything to feel that gentle nature that I fought hard to get rid off, because I didn't want to be hurt by others in the end. That fear only leads to hurt, not only self but others. We really do not need to battle, battles are destructive and in the end hurts not only your oppressors but yourself as well. 

Take time to reflect, to feel the pain, own it, understand it, then push it away. Forgive and forget, because just the mere memory is damaging. How many women live in fear of rape because they were once raped or molested, if you hold on to that, the damage will follow you for the rest of your life? Trust me freeing yourself from that is so powerful and healing. If you hold on to it, it will continue to harm you and others around you, you will not allow true love in your heart and will bring more of the same pain into your life.

Take the time to heal, be present and notice your every thought. Are you constantly angry? Are you always thinking someone is going to hurt you or that you are entitled? Let go of those thoughts free yourself from that prison. There is no one out to get you, the world is your oyster and everyone in life there to love and help you. Create this reality and watch your world change.

Woman are not a commodity for a political movement, women are part of humanity which has another component. We need each other to make this world go round and to make life happen. Men are just as important for the survival our species and are just as much of a victim as we are. Remember you can't wash one hand without another.  

Love you all, but love yourselves too

Ritz

The Masks We Create

Remove the veil, remove the face, the usual narratives we all face, it is nothing more than a cry for help, creating a character that comes from hell, it has to be, when you look back and see the pain you have caused and all you took in the quest of your "happiness". Get defensive all you want, it is about time someone stood up to you and your cause. The go fund me accounts, the telling everyone to respect your pronouns and your plight, well what about the real world, doest that not count? You live in fantasy, every move you make is consumed by the creation in your mind, that you are trying to bring to life.  Fix yourself, really fix it, not just bandaid it with hormones and surgeries, you are in need of a revelation to stop the lies and your frustrations of wanting to fit in to a world that associates our kind as deplorable and unacceptable. 

Be wise, be real, accept the you that you were born as, doesn't mean you have to kiss ass, or be something you are not, but don't think for one moment that you will be able to alter your gender, it is all a fable, a big fat lie, one that you may get away with during the coarse of time, but there will come a day when your conscious will give you away.  Wait for it, I guarantee you, that your quest for this stunt is like Evil Knievel, but even he fell down and broke many bones, and eventually had to stop the show. 

You want to be brave, then step forward, and throw it all away, all the stereotypes you are trying to play. Stop feeding the system that is corrupting our world, our bodies and souls. You created this character to save you from your past, the ridicules you faced, all your insecurities and lack of say, it helped you talk and feel more confident, but of coarse it did, you now are on stage with a different number and name, no longer being criticized by the audience you face. They can't hurt you, cause the mask you have on your face, hides the true you that you hated each and every day.  The new you is more fabulous, wears fun clothes, sports new muscle, you feel invincible and strong, prettier than ever, more attention from the admirers who are as hurt as you, you feed each other without a clue. Time to wake up from the act, being you is the best thing to do in fact, give the real you a chance, now that you have tools to advance, it wasn't all bad, he/she taught you a lot, make it last. Teach the world what bravery is, and help the rest of the lost souls come back.  

Self Denial

This is now

That was then

The struggle of being who we feel we aught to be, creates devastation from the moment we pursue the "dream". As Maritza I struggled with my mannerisms, my dress code and presentation, the world was telling me I was wrong for being me. Little girls should not sit a certain way, careful how you walk you emulate the walk of a boy, these words pounded my brain and shaped the fears and low self esteem I experience today.  Looking back at my life, I see how I could have done things differently, don't we all? But badgering and judging myself just like everyone else did would solve  absolutely nothing and further create damage, the damage that I am now faced with healing.

I can understand now why I wanted to take on the role of a male bodied person, they have all the fun, authority and rule the world. But little did I know that it is actually a woman who has all the control, if only we can look past societies illusion, and really see the power of what it means to be a woman. I know that now, after 13 years of living a male's life, whatever that means, but it has given me a strong insight of the power I truly posses as a female.

What has led me to my change of heart and detransitioning you may ask? The realization that I did not have to do what I did to realize who I am.  I came up with all sorts of excuses to justify doing what I did, altering my body and creating a mirage of what I though I should be. Many in this community lose it all while pursuing what they think they are or should be. I lost many clients, clients Maritza built while creating an amazing business called  Bodies Under Construction .  At first, I was in denial, and created all sorts of excuses for the loss, the lethargic nature of Mark, destroyed single handed all the hard work Maritza put to build a career and business, placing more focus on   transgender advocacy, and running away from reality in a world that would not question Mark's validity.

I look back now and I can clearly see the destruction, many in this community have blinders and refuse to see right through the smokey mirrors and just continue paving forward with their plan, the plan to destroy who they were and everyone they knew.  I have this to say to those in this community, when you wake up from your dream, you will find many feelings you will have to face, and I promise you, regret will be one of them. How long it will take, that is up to you and your journey, but you will look back and see the destruction and wonder how did you let it happen?

Word of advise, be gentle with yourself, although the journey may have hurt many, it was your journey and something for you and others to learn from. I believe the biggest reveal for me was to learn to appreciate my womanhood, to learn to have compassion for every human and most of all, to make peace with the pain I felt through out my life.

Relationships and Healing

My parents divorced and I am now left to pick up the pieces and the start of a new life.  I had so many relationships, trying to find my identity and place in the world. All relationships were with females, yet, I could not be placed in a box, was I butch or was I  fem? I could not find the answer to that riddle, nor did I care to fit in any box. Fast forward many years and I found myself involved with a bisexual female whom I ended up transitioning with, and married for 10 years.  Life was good, I became a fierce advocate for what I thought at the time was the right path.

I since have changed the way I think, and have gotten to know many in the trans community. I no longer see life in the eyes of gender, I see life as a learning to tool, and gender just another tool of division for the masses.  Violet and I divorced, remaining friends, but realizing that I needed more, I continued in the quest to find love and to find myself.  I believe that many in the trans community are trying to do the same, except they get caught in the turmoil of wanting others to see them, instead of just seeing themselves. They try so hard to fit into a gender box, feeling they belong, just like a teen joins a gang to feel a sense of family and normalcy. But what is normal, why are humans so broken and their search to find happiness leads them into destruction of everything they built and loved?

If you listen to the narratives and really unfold the life of many in this community, you will find a common theme, brokenness, hurt, some sort of trauma, be it sexual abuse, religious dogma, not fitting in the gender they where born as, because of coarse they, did not make it as a "man" or a "woman", so they must be the opposite gender, right?  Because they "feel" trapped, "feel" wrong, so they need to fix it?  Well the body is not the problem, it is how they view the world, and how they "feel" they can't fit in, so escape is the only answer.

I find that until a trans person stops living in denial, and accept reality, they will continue on the vicious cycle they have started. It destroys everyone around them, and themselves. They can't ever find peace, and will continue to leave a destructive path, wherever they go.

Now, where am I in the scheme of things? Well, I no longer which to fight with my heart and head. I no longer wish to battle with anyone, I just want to be and be free, and I find that I cannot be free living a life that the Universe did not intend me to live in.  I am speaking for myself so before I get all the haters jumping down my throat as many have in the past, I want to say that this is my journey, my thoughts and my life. I no longer wish to poison my body with unnatural hormones that do not belong inside of me. I no longer wish to pull the wool over anyones eye, I just want to live and live in a place where I don't have to force the world to see what I want them to see, I just want to be me, no labels, no boxes, just me.

So anyways, the time to heal is now. It has been a long and tiring road, what lies ahead is lots of uncertainties, but I am ready for whatever comes my way. I am a woman, always have been, always will be. For those that are claiming womanhood because they "feel" they are, I can only say this to you, feelings has nothing to do with who you are, we can't just feel we hate something, so therefore I will be something else. Biology is biology which ever way you slice it. Express away is all I have to say, but make sure you are aware of who you are, and try not fall into the trap of delusion, because in the end it is you, you will hurt, and that is a hard pill to swallow when the years pass and you have to face you in that mirror.


To be continued.......

The Shadows

Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt I did not belong. I had problems making friends, and I almost felt as if I was the parent, in my home. Don't get me wrong, my parents tried, all good parents do, they are just not equipped at times and never received the manual. Now, I was very responsible, did not like to play, I instead preferred to sit around with the adults and engage in conversations, but I was quickly informed to go outside or go play with my "friends".

Yeah on that note, friends were really acquaintances, and people I engaged with to past time. But I never felt I connected with anyone, ever, and that made me sad. In high school, I had one whopping friend who was just as eccentric as me, so we got along, listening to music and talking about important things in life.  Raul graduated before me, he was two years ahead and I was left alone, yet again. My parents got divorced and I quickly found away to escape and joined the Army. Boy (there we go using a male pronoun again), was that a mistake. I was forced to grow up even faster, dealt with more isolation, abuse and loneliness.

Fast forward some more, I now am dealing with weight issues, I hated physical activities and the army pushed me and took me places I did not want to go. Running and engaging in heavy activities where definitely not my cup of tea. Eating disorders developed, I grew fatter and unhappier as the years went by.  I did not like who I was, and although many would flatter me and shower me with compliments, my ears did not hear and my heart did not see. The vicious cycle of dieting, throwing up, engaging in drug abuse and hating myself continued. But no one knew, I kept it all in silence, after all I had a great smile and used it to hide my pain.

Glimpses of my youth come to mind, inside the fitting room, trying on clothes I was 8 years old. "Tuck that stomach in, look at that belly, your too fat", she said. I hated clothes shopping, it was no fun, why can't we just be naked.  To this day dressing rooms are a place of horror for me, and my stomach a point of distress and pain.

"Are you looking at me or at her"? Yes, a typical question that after a while was like finger nails scratching down a chalk board. Being cross eyed did nothing for my self esteem, even after under going 2 operations at the age of one, my eyes worked against each other and my ability to learn was affected greatly. I hated school and I hated life, why am I here.......

To be continued.........

A New Day

Hello everyone my name is Maritza Cummings and I am recovering gender addict. I close my eyes, and my life flashes before my very eyes. Who am I, what am I, where have I been and where am I going? I shake my head, I wipe my eyes, I look within, and here I am.

Many of you know me as the controversial once trans identified trans man, an identity that was given to me by society, the players, the haters the lovers, and my own egocentric self. Yes narcissism was a way of life for me, I created the perfect "man", a specimen to be admired, so I thought. But in reality who was I kidding? A hairy chest, back and face, coupled with muscles and a sexy raspy voice worthy of radio broadcast, but in the end, inside the deep center of it all, I am a woman, a scared little girl, who just wanted to be held and loved. 

So here I stand in front of the world, in front of me, the soul that has been through so much in this life, and I ask, what next? I have been on hormones since 2003, as well as dabbled in bodybuilding which made it easier to cross the gender border. It was easy as pie to change my physique, after all pharmaceuticals makes it easy to create whatever you want. But what did I do? I altered my life and body all in the quest to help society push us into their box, the box they feel comfortable with us being in.  

In our society, girls have to look a certain ways as do boys, and mannerisms, well lets not even mention those, careful how you walk, talk and dress. If I can accomplish anything and learn from my life events is this, I will never feed into what the system wants. I will do everything within my power to change things, even if its only me I am changing.

Look out world, for this fierce woman is back, Ritz Cummings will  rise up from the ashes, wipe her knees and stand proud and tall, as the woman I was born to be. No wrong body, no wrong theme, what needs to change is not the way society sees me, but how I see society. 

Words are changing our world, let us realize that who we are is not a pronoun or a feeling, but who we are is etched deep inside our soul. After all we are spirits having a human experience, let us not give away our power to those that are trying to make us powerless