Let Go

I am a true believer that diseases stem from inner turmoil created by our outer realities. Some people are as strict about their beliefs as a stiff rod, they in no way know how to sway like a palm tree. But like a palm tree that survives the brutal storm, the stiff rod will get pulled out of its roots and will loose their center and life source.  

Humans have been taught to follow dogma, read books and cling on to theories that in reality do not hold much water, books are written by humans, who we know can't be trusted with factual information, especially when an exchange of goods is the bottom line. We must live life with an open heart, realizing that the only constant in life is change, and change is the only constant. We can believe one thing one minute and another the next. No harm no foul, it's human nature. 

It's easy to grasp on to a cause that fits our hurt and lives situation, we see it all the time. Young men and women joining the military to fight for their country, and what are they really fighting for. Religious extremist, preaching the gospel and letting everyone know that the end is here, an end that seems to never get there, only in the minds of those that behave like the stiff rod. Women's and Men's activism is no different, they cling to beliefs, create scenarios to wage war and in the end, the cycle continues without an end or resolution in sight. Driven by dogma, individuals who have suffered and feel hurt, in turn this hurt makes them want to hurt others, sometime without realizing what they are doing. I am not trying to point fingers here or pit one group against another, although I have been accused of this, I just want people to realize that this endless cycle of hate needs to stop. Please let it go, come from a place of love, compassion, forgiveness and unity. We are all suffering here, every human has to deal with diseases, financial problems, growing old, a deteriorating planet and over all the battles we create in our heads.

Women are important yes, I get that. I am a woman too. But having lived in both genders has given me an insight that allows me to tear down all the wall we create and have compassion for both genders.  I can see that all we want is to feel safe, loved and seen. But in order for us to have all of that, we need to fortify this to ourselves and others. It takes work to heal, but you can't expect to heal if you are harboring ill feelings towards others. Just my two cents and humble opinion, you can fight me all you want and feel betrayed, but I am not betraying you, on the contrary, I am trying to bring a different outlook to the cause.

Forgiveness is an amazing tool, love you all but remember to love yourself too.

Ritz

                             2 months Testosterone Free 

      

                                                                                                                                              

For the past 13 years I have been playing a role  of a character I created. Mark Angelo Cummings as head strong as the name sounds,  it also embodied the full creation of a alpha man who I would have wanted to fall in love with, marry and that would help me heal the wounds created by the men in my life. I wanted to be what I wish most men could be, but somewhere down the line things got misconstrued and the man I was trying to create, slowly started to become like the ones I hated. I was self center, egotistical, narcissistic, unable to stay focus and in the end destroyed everything Maritza managed to create.

Although many may think of my narrative, as strange, considering myself as two individuals, my duality in my opinion is not a pathology but a self defense mechanism to help me deal and cope with all the challenges life presented me. Maritza wanted back after around the 5 year mark, but didn't know how to return.   She watched from a far while Mark continued to make a mess of things, acting like a demanding adolescent who believed the world revolved around him, no one else matter but "him". Playing with his new found male privilege, Mark wanted to change the world as Mark saw it, in the end hurting many that where unfortunate to cross his path. Now in all fairness, I can't say he was a complete monster, after all, Maritza still had a foot inside the abode, but kept silent as an observer, quietly shaking her head as she watched on horror. 

Fast forward many years, Maritza started to slowly take back her mind, but what still handicapped by the male hormone that did not allow her to completely take control of what was rightfully hers. Until finally with the change of events, Maritza was able to break free and now has finally returned. I feel more alive than ever, I feel I was able to learn more about men, life in general, than ever before. I feel blessed although lots of damage was done, I am now able to repair and heal while finally moving forward to the rest of my life.

It feels so good to be me again, leaving me, has helped me appreciate who I truly am. I have more respect for the trans community, which fight hard to fine themselves on a daily basis. Feeling alive is a wonderful feeling, I say here is to all of us who have been lost and lonely, may you find your truth in whatever form that may be.

It blows my mind how quickly the retransition is taking place leaving me to think did it ever happen

Releasing The Battle

Well hello everyone, hope you enjoyed your holidays, I know we did, South Florida is an amazing place full of life and very green. Lynna and I spent an amazing two weeks with my family and getting reacquainted with our Caribbean roots. The amazing flavors of Cuban and Puerto Rican cuisine made our vacation even that more enjoyable.  The dynamics between my family and Lynna were very favorable and although I know my mother would much prefer Lynna to be fully male identified, they still made a connection that I am sure will grow as time goes by. My sister and her partner were the most gracious of hosts and made our stay there incredibly memorable. We made videos during the time there, some detransitioning ones and some as a couple.  

One of the things I learn during the past two weeks is the real pain Lynna is in and how she battles with gender and how society wishes her to be. I can be empathetic with her, since after all she is my heart and I love her beyond any measure, this love has allowed me to have more compassion for others and not just focus on my anger towards the trans community and the patriarchal system. In saying this my views are still the same, I am full on detransition mode, and I still believe that happiness is not found in an operating table or by taking hormones, but this conclusion is mine and mine alone, and I can't force my views on the trans community, it would make my plight no different than theirs as they try to force the world to see them. We have to see ourselves and realize this is a self journey and only self can be the catalyst for change.  I still feel that transition is not for everyone and that we should not facilitate the option to our youth, instead we should allow them to self express, to explore their identity and to give their bodies a fighting chance by going through puberty, its part of our human experience. 

My journey has allowed me to be grateful for having been born female, I can now appreciate who I am. My health is amazing considering I have no hormones flowing through my veins, only what my pituitary and adrenal glands are providing and I believe this will be enough to keep me healthy. I feel a sense of peace and although Lynna has been a challenge since my detransitioning, I figure it has had to be hard for her losing her Mark, the person she fell for when she headed to New Mexico. But I know deep in my heart that we will be just fine, our love is strong enough to deal with all this gender challenges and questioning of self. I hope to make mends with those I may have hurt during my retaliation phase when I felt a back lash from the trans community, I want peace for everyone and I realize that everyone is on a journey and I am no one to tell them how to travel their path. 

Here are some of the videos we made during our vacation :

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBIC9YugmzUmQ9dXsO5rXlGoAtBDeer6K

https://youtu.be/HjEeYwvcTZY

https://youtu.be/_z--G697U7E

Stop The Madness Please

I spent a lot of time having to put out fires, explaining things to people and trying to express my core beliefs and views. First of all I want to say, I don't want any harm to come to anyone in the trans community, nor do I want any rights taken away, and especially not have their medical access removed. What I do want is people to wake up and realize the truth. Yes the truth, not my truth but the universal truth that says we are not a mistake, our bodies are not wrong, our brains are not gendered, in fact here is the latest study that proves that we all have bits and pieces of male and female components in our brains, not one gendered glob of delusion. http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-no-male-female-brain-20151130-story.html

People are born with all sorts of different corks and differences, some men love to wear dresses, some more than others. Some men were de-masculinized while growing up and are dealing with all sorts of skeletons in their closet. It's hard I know, it sucks, but the reality is everyone has issues and problems they are dealing with and the world is not making concessions for them, they just live. I truly believe that the real issues here are childhood traumas that are showing their ugly heads as gender dysphoria, it feel nice to run away and be another person, or should I say gender. Yeah its great to start life over and leave everything and everyone behind, kind of like a witness protection program when they change your identity and move you away to a new place never to be found, but unfortunately we can't run from our true sex, no way, uh uh.. 

Whether you were told to man up, or act like a lady when growing up because you didn't fit into the gender box you were born in, doesn't give you the free range to switch your gender, even the doc who operated you knows he only performed a cosmetic procedure that really doesn't function as the sex organ you wished to have. 

People need to start facing their challenges, be truthful and stop living a lie, this community has gotten so bizarre that they are actually believing their BS.

The time to come to grips with this disorder is now before we literally turn the earth upside down. There are no objective findings to believe the trans plight of being born in the wrong body is true only subjective feelings from a person. Harry Benjamin created this night mare by allowing a few to have SRS, because he felt sorry for them, and could not change the way they thought, these individuals where actually intersex who rightfully had a plight, but trans folks are just confused individuals who need help yes, but not the kind they are getting. 

I know I am harsh in what I say, but I know that happiness does to come by changing gender, it gives you a bit of relief, because what is actually happening is, for the first time in your life you are being allowed to express your other side, to play, wear dresses, see your creation in the mirror, but once the fun ends, reality kicks in and you have to clean up one hell of a mess. Till next time...

check this out : http://frontier-heart.tumblr.com/search/trans+women+are+bio+female

Shedding The Layers

I figured out why so many get so irate with me and confrontational with my writings and TV Shows, well not everyone, but those in the trans community who are still in their infant stage and self loathing mode;  I touch a certain chord and wounds deep inside of them, I am definitely doing my job. I plan to make people think and think really hard on what they are doing or have done. I want people to question their actions and validity, every step of the way. There are too many people who go on this transgender train ride who have no business riding it. 

By now I have revealed my eating disorder, my self esteem issues,  gender confusion and child traumas, all of which are the typical issues faced with trans individuals. Until you come clean, and accept your flaws, you can't heal. You will continue in search of this utopia which does not exist, and will continue to hurt yourself and others until you have nothing else to give. You will continue to feel dysphoric, no matter what you do, but the difference is now you have greater problems to deal with. So why not save yourself the hassle and aggravation, and just work through the underlying issues and learn to love and accept yourself as you are. The key  here is lack of self love, we blame our gender, but gender has nothing to do with it. 

Shed all the layers one by one, find out what is the cause of  your pain, and no, its not your gender, in fact gender is the least of your problems. I want to add that I am grateful I underwent this journey because what it has done is, it has allowed me to see the true me, and it has taught me to appreciate the woman I have always been. You can say BS all you want, and you tell yourself, you were never a woman, but the facts are, that you are the gender you were pronounced at birth. You may not act as the typical girl or boy, but that doesn't mean you are not the sex you were born as. We need to learn to accept ourselves and not worry about what others think or say. 

Society is creating this outpour of transgender individuals and are harming our youth by saying we can't accept your differences, so fix it. That is wrong on all levels, and we are in the making of a major catastrophe.  People should be allowed to express as they feel inside and dress as they feel outwardly. No one should have to repress their needs but this whole medicalization and fixing of the biological sex is ludicrous. It does not work, it is a temporary fix that in the end will blow itself out of the water. 

Here is an update on my fast: Day 3, going strong, thinking about doing 7 days but will play it by ear. My health is good, feeling hungry still, the digestive system shuts down after today, so the hunger should go away. I had an enema and good meditation session. I feel at peace and balanced. I hoping to detox the T out of the body or at least get a head start.  I am excited to see the changes in me and to start to recognize my old self. I have such a new found love for myself and the knowledge I have gathered during these past 13 years have been amazing.  More about that on my next blog, till next time.....

Self Denial

This is now

That was then

The struggle of being who we feel we aught to be, creates devastation from the moment we pursue the "dream". As Maritza I struggled with my mannerisms, my dress code and presentation, the world was telling me I was wrong for being me. Little girls should not sit a certain way, careful how you walk you emulate the walk of a boy, these words pounded my brain and shaped the fears and low self esteem I experience today.  Looking back at my life, I see how I could have done things differently, don't we all? But badgering and judging myself just like everyone else did would solve  absolutely nothing and further create damage, the damage that I am now faced with healing.

I can understand now why I wanted to take on the role of a male bodied person, they have all the fun, authority and rule the world. But little did I know that it is actually a woman who has all the control, if only we can look past societies illusion, and really see the power of what it means to be a woman. I know that now, after 13 years of living a male's life, whatever that means, but it has given me a strong insight of the power I truly posses as a female.

What has led me to my change of heart and detransitioning you may ask? The realization that I did not have to do what I did to realize who I am.  I came up with all sorts of excuses to justify doing what I did, altering my body and creating a mirage of what I though I should be. Many in this community lose it all while pursuing what they think they are or should be. I lost many clients, clients Maritza built while creating an amazing business called  Bodies Under Construction .  At first, I was in denial, and created all sorts of excuses for the loss, the lethargic nature of Mark, destroyed single handed all the hard work Maritza put to build a career and business, placing more focus on   transgender advocacy, and running away from reality in a world that would not question Mark's validity.

I look back now and I can clearly see the destruction, many in this community have blinders and refuse to see right through the smokey mirrors and just continue paving forward with their plan, the plan to destroy who they were and everyone they knew.  I have this to say to those in this community, when you wake up from your dream, you will find many feelings you will have to face, and I promise you, regret will be one of them. How long it will take, that is up to you and your journey, but you will look back and see the destruction and wonder how did you let it happen?

Word of advise, be gentle with yourself, although the journey may have hurt many, it was your journey and something for you and others to learn from. I believe the biggest reveal for me was to learn to appreciate my womanhood, to learn to have compassion for every human and most of all, to make peace with the pain I felt through out my life.

Relationships and Healing

My parents divorced and I am now left to pick up the pieces and the start of a new life.  I had so many relationships, trying to find my identity and place in the world. All relationships were with females, yet, I could not be placed in a box, was I butch or was I  fem? I could not find the answer to that riddle, nor did I care to fit in any box. Fast forward many years and I found myself involved with a bisexual female whom I ended up transitioning with, and married for 10 years.  Life was good, I became a fierce advocate for what I thought at the time was the right path.

I since have changed the way I think, and have gotten to know many in the trans community. I no longer see life in the eyes of gender, I see life as a learning to tool, and gender just another tool of division for the masses.  Violet and I divorced, remaining friends, but realizing that I needed more, I continued in the quest to find love and to find myself.  I believe that many in the trans community are trying to do the same, except they get caught in the turmoil of wanting others to see them, instead of just seeing themselves. They try so hard to fit into a gender box, feeling they belong, just like a teen joins a gang to feel a sense of family and normalcy. But what is normal, why are humans so broken and their search to find happiness leads them into destruction of everything they built and loved?

If you listen to the narratives and really unfold the life of many in this community, you will find a common theme, brokenness, hurt, some sort of trauma, be it sexual abuse, religious dogma, not fitting in the gender they where born as, because of coarse they, did not make it as a "man" or a "woman", so they must be the opposite gender, right?  Because they "feel" trapped, "feel" wrong, so they need to fix it?  Well the body is not the problem, it is how they view the world, and how they "feel" they can't fit in, so escape is the only answer.

I find that until a trans person stops living in denial, and accept reality, they will continue on the vicious cycle they have started. It destroys everyone around them, and themselves. They can't ever find peace, and will continue to leave a destructive path, wherever they go.

Now, where am I in the scheme of things? Well, I no longer which to fight with my heart and head. I no longer wish to battle with anyone, I just want to be and be free, and I find that I cannot be free living a life that the Universe did not intend me to live in.  I am speaking for myself so before I get all the haters jumping down my throat as many have in the past, I want to say that this is my journey, my thoughts and my life. I no longer wish to poison my body with unnatural hormones that do not belong inside of me. I no longer wish to pull the wool over anyones eye, I just want to live and live in a place where I don't have to force the world to see what I want them to see, I just want to be me, no labels, no boxes, just me.

So anyways, the time to heal is now. It has been a long and tiring road, what lies ahead is lots of uncertainties, but I am ready for whatever comes my way. I am a woman, always have been, always will be. For those that are claiming womanhood because they "feel" they are, I can only say this to you, feelings has nothing to do with who you are, we can't just feel we hate something, so therefore I will be something else. Biology is biology which ever way you slice it. Express away is all I have to say, but make sure you are aware of who you are, and try not fall into the trap of delusion, because in the end it is you, you will hurt, and that is a hard pill to swallow when the years pass and you have to face you in that mirror.


To be continued.......