Withdrawls

Feeling trapped in the wrong body has many components and many factors that stem from childhood trauma and the traumas we were subject to throughout life. There are many in this community that do have legitimate claims and dysphorias of many types, how they handle it or deal with it is very personal. 

Being in a relationship with a trans identified individual has many challenges and the challenges become even greater when one decides to detransition. The dynamic of the set relationship changes, and there are issues that arise. One would think what is the problem, you are the same individual, right? Well yes I am the same person, but now doubts enter my head, will they leave me because I no longer represent that icon I once was? I look in the mirror and the "man" I once created and the "man" they fell in love with is now changing right before their very eyes. 

My mind starts to play tricks with me as the hormone that made me this so called man, is leaving my bloodstream.  When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. The cumbersome shaving of a body that produces so much hair from 13 years of testosterone is exhausting and almost impossible to get rid of. The hair on my head sparse and grey, making me feel old and unwanted. I don't know how many people actually have detransitioned after being on Testosterone for 13 years, but it is not an easy task to say the least. There is no support for someone like me and I find that my detransitioning has send my spouse into major dysphoria. 

I hope time will heal these wounds and that everything will be alright in the end. I am trying to be strong, and I know that I must do this because the T that once provided me with so much strength and relief, is now hurting me in so many ways. There comes a time when we know deep in our hearts there is something one must do, and this is one of those times.

I am fasting for the next 3 to 4 days, I hope the fast brings some clarity and relief to this pain I am in right now. Till next time.....

Self Denial

This is now

That was then

The struggle of being who we feel we aught to be, creates devastation from the moment we pursue the "dream". As Maritza I struggled with my mannerisms, my dress code and presentation, the world was telling me I was wrong for being me. Little girls should not sit a certain way, careful how you walk you emulate the walk of a boy, these words pounded my brain and shaped the fears and low self esteem I experience today.  Looking back at my life, I see how I could have done things differently, don't we all? But badgering and judging myself just like everyone else did would solve  absolutely nothing and further create damage, the damage that I am now faced with healing.

I can understand now why I wanted to take on the role of a male bodied person, they have all the fun, authority and rule the world. But little did I know that it is actually a woman who has all the control, if only we can look past societies illusion, and really see the power of what it means to be a woman. I know that now, after 13 years of living a male's life, whatever that means, but it has given me a strong insight of the power I truly posses as a female.

What has led me to my change of heart and detransitioning you may ask? The realization that I did not have to do what I did to realize who I am.  I came up with all sorts of excuses to justify doing what I did, altering my body and creating a mirage of what I though I should be. Many in this community lose it all while pursuing what they think they are or should be. I lost many clients, clients Maritza built while creating an amazing business called  Bodies Under Construction .  At first, I was in denial, and created all sorts of excuses for the loss, the lethargic nature of Mark, destroyed single handed all the hard work Maritza put to build a career and business, placing more focus on   transgender advocacy, and running away from reality in a world that would not question Mark's validity.

I look back now and I can clearly see the destruction, many in this community have blinders and refuse to see right through the smokey mirrors and just continue paving forward with their plan, the plan to destroy who they were and everyone they knew.  I have this to say to those in this community, when you wake up from your dream, you will find many feelings you will have to face, and I promise you, regret will be one of them. How long it will take, that is up to you and your journey, but you will look back and see the destruction and wonder how did you let it happen?

Word of advise, be gentle with yourself, although the journey may have hurt many, it was your journey and something for you and others to learn from. I believe the biggest reveal for me was to learn to appreciate my womanhood, to learn to have compassion for every human and most of all, to make peace with the pain I felt through out my life.

Waking Up

Grandma and I

Many people claim their gender dysphoria is a biological condition that they have had to deal with and known since they were 3, 5 or 6 years of age. I have heard others say they knew later on in life during their teenage years, and then you have those that had the middle age bug, or should I say crisis and embarked in their transition later on in life. Whatever time frame, whatever your story, it all boils down to one thing. Self Hatred and not wanting to be seen as, different, weird a freak, you know, not fitting into societies neat little box.  I noticed that many were raised in a very religious house hold and struggle with being gay or feminine. Many enjoy dressing in secret and have a fetish with what they see in the mirror. Whatever your poison and ingredient in this trans soup, it is all the same, more salt or pepper, or an added pinch of spice, we all have the same disorder, not wanting to be in the body or gender we were assigned at birth. Well guess what, tuff. Learn to deal with the cards you were dealt. If you are intersex or have some sort of hormonal imbalance, by being true to you and showing the world that it is okay to be different, you are helping with the human evolution, instead you hide behind a dress and call you self a woman, or hide behind your muscles and fuzz on your face and call yourself a man.

Arm Guard Job at Bank

The most liberating feeling I have ever had is to finally own up to my mistakes and accept the sex that I was given at birth, the then little girl and now woman my mother held in her arms when I was born was no mistake. I am a woman, may not be the kind of woman that society wants me to be, but to that I say, tuff and get over it. I say woman of all shapes, colors, types and sizes need to rise up and claim your place here on this beautiful planet we call home. It is time we stand up for what is ours and stop catering to what men and this patriarchal system wants us to be or look like. I have been asked if I am going to be a feminine woman and if I am going to get surgeries to change my looks? To that I say, I am who I am, if one morning I wake up and feel like wearing make up (lightly, I don't like lots of it), or wear something more "girly", then I will. If I feel like wearing mens clothing one morning then I will do that too. I am not a poster child for any movement or any cause. I am Maritza Delcarmen Perdomo, my mothers daughter and fathers bundle of joy, born on June 30 in Havana Cuba, I am no mistake and I needed no alteration or changing. I just needed to be free to express and to be me. I say to all of you young women out there, who are battling with your gender acceptance and expression, it is not your gender that needs changing it is your valor and inner strength to be the best you, you can be. Stand up to the system, to the bullies, to the stereotyping of what they think a girl should be or look like. The same goes for you guys, stop wanting to be us, you will never be us and that is a good thing. We need good men to balance out this war driven planet, to protect our daughters from the pedophiles and creeps of this world.

Bodybuilding Contest I promoted and MCed

We all need to accept the cross that were given, and do right by those we love and love us.  One day you will wake up and realize that what you thought was a cross and curse, was actually a blessing to teach us how to love ourselves unconditionally and as we are. I love myself now more than ever, I am happier now than I could even imagine (for those who think I am miserable and a hater ), my life is real now. I don't have to walk around like a sneak or an imposter, I don't have to constantly be anxious about what others think, as many in this community spend way too much time focusing on passing, and fitting in.  Free yourselves and wake the hell up.

The Loses

Opening my eyes after the aftermath is pretty difficult to say the least. The voices of I told you so come to mind, the pictures in my mind from all the events that lead to the big decision and reactions of those around me, "I am transitioning", "I was born in the wrong body" words that I pounded on those I love.

I see now how crazy it was, I see myself in the faces of the youth, I was so sure of my decision and so on board with the trans narrative that is devastating the lives of many. What is actually wrong with us, what would possess us to do such atrocities and justify them as right? What will it take to make people wake up from this nightmare they claim to be a life saver and dream?  The claims that people are happier, in a better mental place than ever before is only based on the sugar pill approach, for it is so apparent that after the novelty wears off, there issues are still there and the need for more is evident. Surgery after surgery, irresponsible behavior after behavior, the lack of self esteem returns, why are people not being truthful?

The denial that no matter what they do to themselves they will never achieve the ultimate goal of being the opposite sex. They are being lied to and lead by a system that only cares about profit, telling a male bodied individual that they can look like a woman. Unless you are born with androgynous features, small boned, small hands and feet and facial features that will provide you with that feminine look, no matter what you do, you will always be clocked, those are just the facts.

Realize that if your happiness depends on the validation of others, you will never be happy. If your life is based on looks, then you will be heading on a very disappointing ride. You are aging, the aging of a man cannot be hidden with cosmetics or hormones, you will at best look like a freak, just look at the older trans role models and see what they look like. Lynn Conway, Rene Richards, Sylvia Rivera, Lana Lawless and many more who have not grown old gracefully nor healthily due to the lifestyle, stress from surgical procedures and lets us not forget synthetic hormones.  This agenda is based on sex and looks, on fetishes and self gratification wrapped in one big ball of mental issues that everyone is missing. Men cannot be women, science has fortified you an illusion that will come tubmling down as you grow older and all the complications that come with this madness. 

The selling point of this agenda is what about the suicide rates? Well what about them, suicide is a mental condition that needs to be taken care of, people don't always get what they want. When people claim to want to take their life because they can't get what they want, that is just wrong and plainly narcissistic. There are too many loses in this endeavor and those responsible for allowing humans to undergo this, should be held accountable. Let us return to our sanity for the trans agenda is full of loses and pain that never, ever goes away.

The Pain: A Day Of Giving Thanks

Having been around, dated and lived with many transgender females in the past, it has provided me a with information that many are not privy to. Many of these so called Male to Trans are dealing with deep rooted issues that stem from lack of self worth, anger and frustration. They failed as men, fathers, husbands and in many other aspects of life. They had poor to no relationships with their fathers, some never got to meet them, and  now feel as if they cannot fulfill the role of manhood in life since they never were taught how.

The "dream" of being a woman is deep for many, its as if they wish they could run away from reality and their responsibility while "becoming" the other sex, thinking this will solve all their problems, but in reality, the problems only worsens and now they have to face the catastrophe they created and left behind.  The same pattern is seen in Female to Trans, with of coarse changing the roles and gender.

There is lots of pain in this community, pain that is not being addressed properly, instead some pseudo treatment that only creates bigger issues and enhances the problems in the end. On a day like today, there are many hurt trans identified individuals who miss being home with their families and friends, and may even be feeling regret. They are in so much pain they can't even appreciate who and what they have around them. So my question is, was it worth it? Changing your gender marker can lead to bigger problems you ever anticipated, please think it through, because not only are you hurting yourself, you are also creating a title wave of hurt with every move you make.

I want to take this time to wish everyone a peaceful, love filled Day of Thanks, remember how many died for you to sit with your family today, how many gave up their land and home.  Let us be grateful for what and who we have in our lives today, cause tomorrow, you never know what brings.

Looking Back

The way to learn from our mistakes and heal is to analyze our life and the path we have chosen. Many people might want to call it regret, I like to call it growth. Sometimes we think one way in a certain stage of our lives, and then we find our views change as we grow older and wiser. I have made tons of mistakes in my life time, too many to mention, but one thing I do know is those mistakes help shape the person I am today. So no need crying over spilled milk or regretting a thing, I will just wipe my knees and move on.

I know now that I allowed fear to lead my life in so many ways, I also allowed the lack of self love to shape my world and life. I no longer feel I was born in the wrong body, what a crazy notion that was. I can say that decision was not sane, and if I would have had the proper therapies, as many are not getting, I would have never undergone such a drastic move.  You tell a therapist what they are trained to hear, and you get a letter, hormones, and surgery, its that easy, and that is just wrong. 

Mutilation of healthy breasts

I had body dysmorphic disorder, self esteem issues, I was sexually abused from a young age, and bad experiences with men, all which leads us into a path that is, well lets say, absurd. Now I don't want to speak for every, I am learning that this disclaimer is need to prevent the mob from attacking, but I do want to say that it is important to really do soul searching and get as much help as you can before you embark on the trans disaster train. We are seeing way too many young people buying this trans agenda and ruining their lives. 

Any how, I am excited for what lies ahead, it's not going to be easy, but I know that it's what I must do to make things right with myself. I look in the mirror now, comparing the pictures of my youth when I had not messed with myself.  I can't help but feel sadness and shame. But I do hope that my journey will help others, that way I won't feel like my life has been such a waste. 

I want to take this time to thank all of my sisters out there, who are being supportive of me. I want to thank Lynna, whom I know my decision has been hard to  deal with, but this is who I am, and I can't no longer continue to live a lie. How ironic is that not what most people say, when they transition? 

Who Can You Trust?

As of late it has become extremely hard to know who are friends or foes actually are. Ever since we have been on this Truth Campaign the many emails to include positive as well as negative have been flooding my in box. One of the things I have noticed is that every group wants to control what we say and how we say it. So much so that one of the parents of a gender critical teen created a false identity on you tube to engage with Lynna and I negatively. She since has removed the channel after I investigated and found out who she was. Here are the screen grabs that I wanted to share. Let it be know we will not tolerate deceit and you will be exposed. I will not expose her true name because she has a teen that she is dealing with and I know how hard it must be.

What hurts me is that I trusted this person and spend much time interacting on line with her. I hope her pain lessens and hope that her child sees the light.

Please realize that we are all different and have different techniques on how we bring forth a message, yours is not to judge us. If you can't be by our side, then please get out of our way.

Why Believe The Liars?

Sexology's war on Transgender Children

Andrea James as well as many autogynephellic men are in constant need of twisting truth to get their point and agenda across. Why would anyone believe these chronic liars as they use the faces of innocence to get their message acrosss. Andrea paved the way for facial reconstruction on men to look like women, he was arrested for posting stolen pictures of Dr. Michael Bailey's 9 year old daughter with obscene captions and claimed the girl deserved it.

Having been the target of these self serving individuals via threats, foul language and lies, I can't understand how they would even have any clout when they speak or write. Everything based around them is filled with vitriol, hate and lies.  The latest attempt to transition children is the claim that reparative therapy led to the death of Leelah Alcorn when in fact, what led to his suicide was the pressure from these Trans gestapos pushing their trans agenda all over the map. There straw man arguments are not only ludicrous but filled with gaps.

These individuals tactics includes digging information, downloading pictures placing captions full of lies and offensive wording all to try to discredit the truth being spread. Sending death threats and vulgar language use to try to intimidate the person is just one of the many tactics these violent men use. All techniques that not only show the lack of professionalism in their approach, but showing how really messed up they truly are, and if anyone is to be charged with phobic behavior, is them.

These Trans activists need to be stopped dead on their tracks, and no longer allowed to intimidate those that do not agree with their trans narratives and lies.

Andrea who are these experts you claim deem reparative therapy unethical? Possibly those pushing drugs and procedures? There is a trans mafia on the horizon, pushing and brain washing the population to believe these autogynephilles and their lies.

Just like a political campaign is filled with dirty laundry and thought out demeaning lies, these men will stop at nothing to push their Trans agenda and will destroy or attempt to, anyone that gets in their way. I say let us stand up against these individuals and stop these needless transing of our children.

On A Creepier Note

https://www.facebook.com/rachel.london.31?fref=ts

Can someone tell me what is the fascination with rabbits and trans females are all about? I have found these disturbing pictures on the pages of several trans women, and can't help but correlate sexual fetishes and mental disturbance with them.

These pictures were found on Rachael Michele Hilgerts FB page

What Does De Transitioning Mean To Me?

From the moment we sailed out to advocate against dangerous blockers for Children, we have been asked if we were going to de transition? At the time it seemed like the right thing to do so we could provide a strong message, however, who was I kidding? After 12 years of being on hormones, my changes are permanent, I have no ovaries therefore I can't produce my own hormones and to shift gear on this body is only placing my own health in danger. I noticed fatigue, I was losing weight very rapidly, had no sex drive and was starting to feel very depressed.  I looked in the mirror and was not happy with what I was seeing. Don't get me wrong, Maritza is alive and well in me, I am her and will forever be. I will always stand up for my sisters and help fight their battle, I am woman, here me roar, yet I am also Mark and I can't erase neither one of them, nor do I want to. I have created who I am today, not taking away from anyone or anything. I refuse to wear the label Trans, since many in this community have been mocking me and hurting me for being a different voice. In spite of it all, I still have trans identifying friends who have stock with us, and we love them dearly. Just because we have a different view, doesn't mean we can't be friends.


We never meant to hurt anyone, yet the attacks and counter attacks were flaring at speed. Anger and hate solves nothing. We still believe strongly in our views, but choose to go about things a different way. We want to be happy and continue to love one another as we do, and can't focus on the haters. Any way, it is sad that there is little to no information on de transitioning, and we still want to bring focus on this to help those who can return to their old self. Knowledge is golden and how can we learn if we don't question ourselves?

De Transitioning Diary Fom The Ex Trans Man On A Mission First Month

So, I decided to blog my de transition, and create a guide for those who are planning to stop taking T, stop identifying as a man or trans man, and try to lead a semi normal life. I have tried to find information out there but have come out with blanks. I am debating if I should go on Estrogen for a while to try to bring back some normalcy since I have no ovaries or any other form of hormone production.

It has been almost one month since I stopped taking T, and today for the first time,  I did feel a bit tired during my run, I think this is normal since sex hormones do provide the oomph that is necessary for activities, and I have no ovaries to produce my own. Well lets see how this goes.  I will be posting information videos and such to help create a diary for those who want information regarding de transitioning. If any of you want to share your experiences, please feel free to comment. Note I screen all comments now due to the haters, but will get to the comments and the legit ones will be allowed.

 Here are the changes on my first month of De Transitioning:

• Hair growth still strong on my body and face.
• Voice still deep, but a bit raspy, difficulty singing, feels like voice will crack
• Mild headaches and fatigue
• I am more aware of my emotions, T numbed me.
• Letting my hair grow on my head, disappointed bald spot, very self conscious 
• Hate shaving and no longer find it pleasurable as I did before, really hate anything that is too manly on my body or appearance. I am trying to find a balance in self, and recreating my look and identity. 

I find the path to De Transitioning is much more difficult and less support than for Transitioning. 12 years ago, when I decided to transition there was not much information out there, well it seems the same goes no for the other path. The lack of support and hatred towards the community against de transitioners is over whelming, we hope to change this with time.

Who Are We Really?

We are told from the time we are born that we must be good or we will go to hell. We are programmed with so many fallacies all instilling fear and pushing us away from who we really are. Now I am not going to badger your beliefs or any Religion per say, but what I am going to do here is to get you to think for yourself, to think outside the box most of you live in.

Let me ask you, your faith, is that something you sought out on your own, or was that something that was handed down to you? The way you dress, eat, feel and think, how much of you is that? TV, parental and societal influences may be the source of your likes and dislikes and you many not even know it.

Have you ever asked yourself, who are you? Not what you do for a living, or how many kids you've brought into this world, or how much money you make, but who you are deep inside? What do you like or dislike, do you even know? I can guarantee that most of you walk around in life like robots, programmed to say and think what others have implanted in your brain.

I want you to take the time everyday, and ask yourself, am I where I want to be, am I with who I wish to be and do I feel complete? If you have doubts, write them down, analyze the why. Visualize the world you want to live in, do this every night before going to bed. It is time to discover who you are.


If you need a spiritual guide, someone that can help you discover your true divine path, then please contact me.

I Love you, but remember to Love yourself too.

Mark Angelo Cummings

Update

As of this Friday, Jessica and I will be hitting the road on our 1998 Damon Challenger, we will be heading North of Florida waiting for the grueling winter to end, then we will be heading towards North East coast  where we plan to connect with as many Face Book friends as possible. We will be filming our journey and placing it on our Blog Transgendy er Highway

Please check often to see our whereabouts, we are planning to head South West afterwards and enjoy every bit of this great adventure. We will be interviewing individuals on location, explore our music and much, much more.


So stay tune.


We love you but remember to love yourselves too.


Mark and Jess