Gender Dysphoria Is Mental

I am amazed at how money influences the perception of what is right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy and finally how it has become mainstream when it was once considered a Jerry Springer sideshow. What a few years and a few dollars can do for a movement that was seen mostly in back street alleys, where trans women would pay to get silicone injections, in lonely bedrooms, where men dressed to impress in front of a mirror, and women would enter drag king shows to let her male side out for the night. Fast forward a few years and there is Bruce Jenner the deliverer of this perversion as he tells women how to be women, and accepting an award of sorts for letting his freak out, I find this alarming and repulsive, to say the least. What you do in the privacy of your bedroom is your business and frankly, God will tend to you, but when you push it blatantly in front of everyone, I say it's time to stop.  I also say, we are now seeing the most horrific form of human mental decline that has ever been known to mankind.

We are seeing a full out anarchy, rebellion, and a freak show of the largest proportion that has been known to man. People are self-identifying, going to seek help from these so called professionals who have no idea with what they are dealing with. They are creating this as they go along, listening to these broken individuals, (I use to be one of them) dictate what they feel they should be and how they should be treated. There are zero objective tools to diagnose or identify this problem. A once Drag Queen, a homophobic homosexual, a fetish autogynephilic man, a lesbian who can't deal with who she is, and a confused set of teens and youngsters who find this whole gender swap exciting and convenient for their situation, while nothing points to real issues or a set of objective findings that can properly pinpoint the problem are the leaders of this movement?  I can tell you this, and I feel strongly and have the authority to speak on this, unbeknownst to those who say I don't, there is no such thing as being trans,  gender dysphoria or any real distress involved with gender, only people with real mental issue that have jumped into a trans-pool which are now trying to tell people how to feel, think and  how to deal with them. 

So what qualifies me to speak and say what I am saying? Well let me give you the short of it, I lived it for 13 years, advocated for it, taught about it in classrooms, led seminars, interviewed hundreds, got interviewed, written books, articles, have done research, lived with and married trans "women", pretty much my life has been devoted to these issues of the LGBT nature. I was a lesbian for 25 years, and I lived 13 as a trans man, I would think I have a few things to say. Let us not forget that when I transitioned, there was hardly any concrete information on the topic, people would come to me since I have a medical background with a huge part of it being in psychology and human behavior. So yes, I am not just  qualified, I am over qualified, to say the least. I know more than gender specialist than an endocrinologist, who by the way have no clue what and how to prescribe cross-sex hormones, the WPATH which is led by trans people and big pharma are creating the rules, with "pulling things out their ass", as their main form of resource. So people need to be leery and realize that this storm that has pulled in from the shore, is basically made of horse manure. It holds no ground and has no real science. The born in the wrong body propaganda, the manipulative tool of I will kill myself if you don't give me what I want, and the recruited mad scientists that are working to make this a reality, are just fictional characters and factors utilized by the crazies who are pushing this for their benefit.

So why has this happened you say, well let's blame the media, who by the way is full of LGBT executives, producers, money launders, political head with their own agenda and frankly a bunch of fetish freaks who want nothing more  than to convert your children into a bunch of sexual rats for their pleasure. They want to sterilize, hurt and confuse the young even more than they are themselves. It's time to stand up and speak up. I will not stay silent, I don't care who calls me what, homophobe, transphobe, religious nut, who cares. I am a woman of God, who by the way, has not  always been, but after years of living this corrupt LGBT lifestyle which lead me to a dead end, I learned that only through living life as we should, do we find peace and true love. I don't want to hear "you can't tell me what to do, or not everyone is like you" or "it didn't work for you", because we are all made up of the same thing, molecules, atoms, and protons, we all bleed when we get cut, and we all return to dust. What is right is right and what is wrong is wrong, I don't care what color skin you have, what size jeans you wear, or what your IQ is, we all have to follow laws, and the LGBT perversion has had way too much air play and its time for the season to end. GLAAD and its neo-nazi mentality bullying everyone that does not subscribe to their gay brand needs to shut it and realize that the world is tired of this gay perverted agenda. 

Anything that promotes drug, promiscuity, altering or hurting your body, trying to recruit or alter children for the benefit of fetishistic adults, needs to be shut down. Gender dysphoria is a massive mental and spiritual imbalance that needs to be seen for what it is. Why have compassion for people who are behaving badly, trying to change the moral fabric of this world and frankly are just dead wrong? Bodies are not meant to be changed to fulfill a sexual fetish, to score straight men, or to play  gender games.  These people are warped are in need of real help. These computer geeks, sci-fi seekers, dreamers, vanity filled puppets, with old wounds that are coming out in all the wrong way, will not dictate to the world how it should be run. It is time to put an end to this and expose it for what it is, one sick ordeal. Gender dysphoria is mental, and those who are promoting or accepting it, are just as mental as the ones who believe in it.

I challenge the media, to let other voices speak, what are you afraid of, if you feel so strongly about your motto, live and let live, why not let those of us who have lived it, and have the T-shirt, hats and cups to prove it, speak out against it, after all is that not what News really is, not just a one-sided report? 

I am not God, and I am not here to judge you, you will have your judgment day, what I am is a truth seeker and truth teller, who wants to inform the world of what is taking place. I have the right to do so, just as you feel you have the right to alter yourself, but when you are pushing this as if it's normal, and perverting the young, it's time to scream out of the top of our lungs. NO MORE......

Till Next Time

Maritza Lopez

Attacks And Haters

If there is one thing I know for sure, when the native get restless, that means, that we are doing something right. When it comes to giving God all the credit and praise, and sharing our miraculous story, we will never shut up, you can count on that, we have through so much as a couple and see to many miracles from him to just remain silent.

We have been attacked from many communities in the past year as we learned our path, and the place we both felt we fit in this world. I like to say for those of you who are so certain of yours, congratulations, but wait a while and you will see what you thought was concrete,  will go crumbling down with the rain which softens and destroys it's base. If there is anything for certain in life, is change. As people evolve and grow, so do their beliefs.  If yours don't, you are the one with the problem, not us.

We have been ridiculed for believing in God, for changing our stances on the Trans agenda and on how feel regarding the LGB community. Our opinions are based on the rule of law, Gods law, one we now take very serious as Christians. If any of you knew me, I was not religious, in fact I use to fight against them, the reason, I did not feel worthy of Gods love and grace. Yet, when I pleaded him for help, he listened, and that my friends is all it took for me to realize that God is there, he is alive and on my side. God loves me, he never stopped loving me, it was the devil that lied to me, tears roll down my eyes as I am writing this, listening to Spanish praise music, while the Lord fills my heart with the Holy Spiritas I share my heart to the world. The beauty of it all is that you too can have his love, you just need to let him in. I promise you, that if you do, things will change, but you have to mean it, you have to want him, he will not push himself upon you.

Getting back to the haters, we now have Lesbians, radical feminists, trans people and trolls hating on our social media, even during our live shows.  We have experienced different level of hate, name calling and oh yes, attempts to throw us of our mission, Gods mission. 

We get private messages on our online transition radio show emails:

"Shame on you both! My name is Tia (Yes, my email address is a pun.) I am a lesbian radical feminist and a Dianic pagan. I remember when you both "dabbled" in radical feminism. I am completely outraged by what you are doing now. Modern gender theory has its problems, but the problems stem from patriarchal belief systems that push men and women into rigid, oppressive social roles.  Furthermore, you both have extremely sexist notions about what it means to be a "man" or "woman." I often dress like Maritza/Mark did during transition. It doesn't make me less female. Clothes are just clothes. Hair is just hair. It doesn't matter. Let people dress however they want to dress.  I know that you are probably "returning" to Christ for the $$$. It is truly pathetic.  You both are snakes that change sides whenever you think the you can make a buck off of it". 

As if we are making or have ever made any money for our shows, everything from the countless hours I spent promoting this community since the inception of Transition Radio TV 2012, where all cost came out of my pocket, including the hours I spent making the website, to our evolution of warning people against the heinous practice of transitioning minors, gender reassignment surgery and the concept that gender can be changed.

After the veils are removed one gets to see how ridiculous it all seems and sounds. I say when you are living in filth, you can't smell it or see it, but once you get clean, you look at those living in it in horror and discuss. God's plan was never meant to rewire your genetics, DNA and Chromosomes, you were born exactly as you are. You were not meant to alter your body.  

1 Corinthians  6:19 
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.

1 Corinthians  6:20 

for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

Then we have Lesbians attacking every way possible, to the point they are becoming trolls and stalkers.

Worked with suspicious people

"Sherrie Larch said... These two used the trans community to get attention, they used radical feminists to get attention, they used lesbians and gay men to get attention, they used Facebook friends to get attention (including me) now they are using the religious right to get attention. 

Telling lesbians we need to have a good f@cking by a man for Jesus is completely disgusting and also supporting rape culture and corrective rape. Their channel is a disgusting homophobic shit fest for attention".

Understand this person has mental issues, well known for them, just google her name and the trail of madness speaks for itself. I also think she has had a thing for me, for awhile now, and is pissed off that I am now a man lover, lol. Oh and not to mention, she hates religion as most in the LGBT  community do, and then there are the ones that believe that God accepts them for who they are, and are in total denial of God's laws and rules, so they continue to live in sin, while attending Church and calling themselves Christians.

Imagine the shock and disbelief for those who knew me, to remotely understand that this once Lesbian, then trans man, alpha at that, has now returned to her female roots, and is now a woman of God, submissive to her husband and to the Lord. It may be tough to swallow for many, however if you know my past, and path, you would understand why. It was all empty before, I was searching, but never found truth until now. I had Failed relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, I was empty and broken, but now I know that God is alive, he is all loving and forgiving, he showed me grace and love and he is waiting for you to call upon him.

God saved my life, I now have no worries, I am free, I am grateful and at peace, something I never felt before, as I dealt with all that comes with the LGBT lifestyle, drugs, sex, self loathing, depression, anger, fear, guilt and lack of truth, it all stems from the devil and his lies to you, he promises you a world of fun, but it all comes with a price.  if you don't believe me, just look at those in this lifestyle, it speaks for itself. I should know I lived as a lesbian for 25 years and 13 as a trans man, I have been heavily involved in advocating for both communities, a community I can no longer support, for it failed me and its going against Gods will.

For those that claim that I used these communities, as many are writing on social media, the facts are that the community used me. They had no problem when I was the fierce advocate, promoting their cause, now that I see right through it, I all of a sudden have become their enemy. Well, guess what, we will not be silenced or bullied, as this LGBT agenda tries to force themselves as normal in every house hold via media and their propagandas, enough is enough, God wants you back and the devil will have to stand back.

Till Next Time

Maritza Lopez A Woman of God

Please Explain

Ever since Lynna and I have decided to no longer be anti trans  and actually bring a positive light while maintaining a healthy education platform, we have then felt the wrath from the Radical Feminism cult. I have been told that Rad Fems are not about hate, separation and war against men, so please help me understand these quotes:

"All sex, even consensual sex between a married couple, is an act of violence perpetrated against a woman."
-- Catharine MacKinnon, Marxist, professor of law at the University of Michigan

"All men are rapists and that's all they are"
-- Marilyn French,The Women's Room (Percent of reported rape or near-rape incidents = .07% [FBI Uniform Crime Report list for 1996])

"Marriage as an institution developed from rape as a practice."
-- Andrea Dworkin, feminist author, lesbian activist, former prostitute

"Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women's bodies."
-- Andrea Dworkin

"Under patriarchy, every woman's son is her potential betrayer and also the inevitable rapist or exploiter of another woman,"
-- Andrea Dworkin, Liberty, p.58

"Sex and murder are fused in the male consciousness, so that the one without the imminent possibility of the other is unthinkable and impossible."
-- Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone

"When a woman reaches orgasm with a man she is only collaborating with the patriarchal system, eroticizing her own oppression..."
-- Sheila Jeffreys, lesbian activist, professor of political science at the University of Melbourne, Australia

"It is not only men convicted of rape who believe that the only thing they did that was different from what men do all the time is get caught."
-- Catharine A. MacKinnon, Toward a Feminist Theory of the State, 1989, First Harvard University Press (a legal treatise comparing feminism with socialism and communism)

Here is the link so you can read the rest: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads%2Fcrazy-feminist-quotes.209166%2F

I personally am appalled by these words, and frankly ashamed. Thankfully I know that my being a woman is not tied to feminism in any way, in fact I want nothing to do with it.  I love men, I love women, I love trans individuals, gays and lesbians. I believe that ideology is destructive in all of its forms and needs to be eradicated like the cancer that it is. Men and women both have faults and virtues, no sex is better or more worthy than the other. They both need to learn to co exist and deal with age long hurt that has been passed from generation to generation. So please help me explain what does all this fighting solve?

I want to appeal to your human nature, those of you who are anti trans, who feel that biology is all that matters, think about this for one moment: genitals in a fetus is undifferentiated, meaning we have the possibility of being either or depending on the hormonal bathing.

There are various combinations and events that can go wrong during development, also let us not forget the spirit and personality of this child and person, that is more than just a penis or a vagina, a womb or sac. People are more than their chromosomes and DNA, they are humans with feelings, needs and intrinsic behaviors and personalities.

Why should we deny them their reality and happiness? Why must you build your political campaign around someone else's life and needs. Rise up from your judgment and personal opinion and try to be tolerant and accept that not everything in life is black or white, there are many shades of grey.

Hurt

So my new found epiphany of being kinder, nonjudgemental is creating problems amongst some of my once radical feminists friends. They are now saying I am no longer an ally because I empathies with men. Let me say this, I know many see trans women as men, and I am guilty of that in the past, but since being married and in love with a trans woman, I must fortify her the decency of love and understanding, and can see her female energy above her biology. Maybe that is all we need to do, is show these individuals respect, and that we understand their pain and see that they care enough about us, to want to leave their male camps. Why must we find the need to tell them they are not women, I think they know that biologically they are not, and the pain they feel may not allow them to realize what many see as reality. 

I don't understand why I must choose sides, and why I can't have compassion for both, women and trans women. I am sorry the life long battle that has been going on for centuries must continue to be placed in the forefront. I for one find that what we resist will persist, if we continue to focus on what we don't like or want, we will only get more of the same. So, one group feels they are being wiped from the phase of the earth because another group wants recognition, can we not co exist and maybe try to help each other out?

I think that as a species we need to really look at what is going on here, we are going around in circles trying to justify our ideology and force this ideology on others, and no one is listening to another persons needs, instead creating scenarios that hurt everyone, not just women. I want to say that I love women, I am a woman and I will always hold allegiance for my sisters, but I also have allegiance for my spouse and my trans female friends, which I have alienated for a while now by  waving a hate flag. I am sorry I can no longer do that, I want to come from a place of love, compassion and forgiveness. So all I ask is to please respect my views and do not try to shame my new views or pit me against my feminists friends who understand my opinions and new beliefs. People grow, they change and they evolve. I am sorry you feel betrayed, those are not my intentions, I am just being honest and real.   We want to continue to be a beacon of love and light and there is no room for hate. I want to continue to focus on my detransition, I want to continue to spread knowledge to help people understand their struggles, not point them out and judge them for it. As women, our power may lie in our ability to have compassion and be the peace makers, if we wage battle towards others for pushing our own needs, what makes us any better than what we are fighting against. 

I get it, many will read my words and see me now as the enemy and no longer an ally, well I am sorry you feel that way. I can still be an ally without having to carry around the need to want to destroy the opposition.  I am part of the trans umbrella although I am a detransitioner, I can't throw them under the bus because I chose to no longer identify as a trans man, they have a right to live and be. 

Living Life After Detransitioning :The Early Stages

At Work as an Occupational Therapist 1996

It has been two weeks since I have fully detransitioned and feel, well, fantastic. I am fully embracing my truth, and disregarding the untruth that lead my life for the past 13 years. There are lots of logistics to work through, like changing all my documents and return to my rightful birth name Maritza, but all in due time. Right now I am focusing on cleaning out every testosterone traces from my body. I will need laser or electrolysis for my face and body and I will also be needing a hair transplant to regain my beautiful hair back. How long this will this take? I don't know, but those are goals that I have set up for myself. I feel strong and even more empowered than I have ever before. I feel healthy as of now, but it has only been a few weeks since I am hormone free. I have no ovaries so I might need estrogen, but I will play that by ear and see how my body responds, after all there are many women who at my age (51) and who do not take any HRT at all, do just fine.

I am going to recreate myself, and feel free in my body and mind. Not being what everyone else wants me to be. If I would have followed that formula before, I would not have gotten myself into this mess in the first place.  Feeling free with being me is of the most importance as well as my health. I find that being on hormones is like playing Russian Roulette, it is only a matter of time when that bullet is in the chamber and goes right through your head. So, from now on I will fight for authenticity and truth. Helping people realize what being true really is, not some made up version of who they think they should be.


Live life to the fullest, be kind to everyone around you, don't keep any secrets, take good care of yourselves and most of all, Love, love unconditionally and that means yourself as you are.

2 weeks Detransition

Transsexualism Is An Addiction

When we step out of the normal balance of life there are many things that happen. One of these things is called imbalance, the typical state of disease. The world we live in is filled with synthetics, the behavior we engage in is unnatural and the things we do and crave are very abnormal. With in this abnormality there are things that have become common and seen as normal. The side effects of our behavior create addictions, which leads to more addiction, then shame, then more addiction, it is quite the vicious cycle.

Addiction comes in many forms and there are genetic factor behind it, it never really leaves you, it just takes on different forms.  I have always had a an addictive personality, my father has it, and I believe my grandfather did too.  Lets say that I have lived my life chasing happiness, getting myself in all sorts of trouble but have had the sense to stop doing things that were dangerous to my health, that is, once I saw that I was in danger. One of the my addictions was the obsession with loosing weight and looking good, this got me into bodybuilding, which lead me to the use of ergogenics that spiraled into another addiction called transsexualism.

The worse kind of addictions are the kind you allow to take over your life, the ones that destroys everything in its path, the one that makes you love it, more than you. You know, the addiction that will get you to steal, lie, and leave everything behind, including putting your health in jeopardy. Yes, that pretty much sums up what transgenderism does to you, if you don't believe me, just read through the countless Face Book pages, they all have the same narratives, from those who are caught in this addictions grip. Nothing matters, but becoming that gender you think you are.  Selfie after selfies, procedures after procedure, broken hearts and loss after loss, with the outcome being emptiness, depression and further suicide, for once the addict finds out that their delusion is nothing more than a pipe dream, reality sets in and devastation takes over.

Take a look at the very similar behaviors of individuals in the trans community. They all have the same things in common, body image issues, obsessive nature, anxiety, anger, lack of coping and social skills and not to mention being able to deal with reality.  Even after transitioning these characteristic follow them, with a few reprieve in behavior, only to return. The only way to fight these demons, is to face them, to realize that there is nothing wrong with your body, that it is your need to belong, and in the quest of belonging you do whatever it takes to get there. The obsession with changing gender takes center stage and like a run away train, you will not stop till the train crashes, taking with you hostages that did not sign up for the ride.

Only an addict believes that their drug of choice is good for them and will make them happy, they defend it and honor it, for it is their delusion, that transitioning is what is right for them and makes them happy. It doesnt matter that there is no actual objective reasoning for their plight, only living out a fantasy which they hold on to for dear life.

As an addict to another, please realize that this time, this addiction has taken you way too far. It is not worth losing it all, because in the end biology is none negotiable and all you have done is destroyed a wonderful human being, who is loved and missed by those you left behind.

Hello my name is Maritza Cummings, and I am a recovering transgender addict.

Looking Back

The way to learn from our mistakes and heal is to analyze our life and the path we have chosen. Many people might want to call it regret, I like to call it growth. Sometimes we think one way in a certain stage of our lives, and then we find our views change as we grow older and wiser. I have made tons of mistakes in my life time, too many to mention, but one thing I do know is those mistakes help shape the person I am today. So no need crying over spilled milk or regretting a thing, I will just wipe my knees and move on.

I know now that I allowed fear to lead my life in so many ways, I also allowed the lack of self love to shape my world and life. I no longer feel I was born in the wrong body, what a crazy notion that was. I can say that decision was not sane, and if I would have had the proper therapies, as many are not getting, I would have never undergone such a drastic move.  You tell a therapist what they are trained to hear, and you get a letter, hormones, and surgery, its that easy, and that is just wrong. 

Mutilation of healthy breasts

I had body dysmorphic disorder, self esteem issues, I was sexually abused from a young age, and bad experiences with men, all which leads us into a path that is, well lets say, absurd. Now I don't want to speak for every, I am learning that this disclaimer is need to prevent the mob from attacking, but I do want to say that it is important to really do soul searching and get as much help as you can before you embark on the trans disaster train. We are seeing way too many young people buying this trans agenda and ruining their lives. 

Any how, I am excited for what lies ahead, it's not going to be easy, but I know that it's what I must do to make things right with myself. I look in the mirror now, comparing the pictures of my youth when I had not messed with myself.  I can't help but feel sadness and shame. But I do hope that my journey will help others, that way I won't feel like my life has been such a waste. 

I want to take this time to thank all of my sisters out there, who are being supportive of me. I want to thank Lynna, whom I know my decision has been hard to  deal with, but this is who I am, and I can't no longer continue to live a lie. How ironic is that not what most people say, when they transition? 

Relationships and Healing

My parents divorced and I am now left to pick up the pieces and the start of a new life.  I had so many relationships, trying to find my identity and place in the world. All relationships were with females, yet, I could not be placed in a box, was I butch or was I  fem? I could not find the answer to that riddle, nor did I care to fit in any box. Fast forward many years and I found myself involved with a bisexual female whom I ended up transitioning with, and married for 10 years.  Life was good, I became a fierce advocate for what I thought at the time was the right path.

I since have changed the way I think, and have gotten to know many in the trans community. I no longer see life in the eyes of gender, I see life as a learning to tool, and gender just another tool of division for the masses.  Violet and I divorced, remaining friends, but realizing that I needed more, I continued in the quest to find love and to find myself.  I believe that many in the trans community are trying to do the same, except they get caught in the turmoil of wanting others to see them, instead of just seeing themselves. They try so hard to fit into a gender box, feeling they belong, just like a teen joins a gang to feel a sense of family and normalcy. But what is normal, why are humans so broken and their search to find happiness leads them into destruction of everything they built and loved?

If you listen to the narratives and really unfold the life of many in this community, you will find a common theme, brokenness, hurt, some sort of trauma, be it sexual abuse, religious dogma, not fitting in the gender they where born as, because of coarse they, did not make it as a "man" or a "woman", so they must be the opposite gender, right?  Because they "feel" trapped, "feel" wrong, so they need to fix it?  Well the body is not the problem, it is how they view the world, and how they "feel" they can't fit in, so escape is the only answer.

I find that until a trans person stops living in denial, and accept reality, they will continue on the vicious cycle they have started. It destroys everyone around them, and themselves. They can't ever find peace, and will continue to leave a destructive path, wherever they go.

Now, where am I in the scheme of things? Well, I no longer which to fight with my heart and head. I no longer wish to battle with anyone, I just want to be and be free, and I find that I cannot be free living a life that the Universe did not intend me to live in.  I am speaking for myself so before I get all the haters jumping down my throat as many have in the past, I want to say that this is my journey, my thoughts and my life. I no longer wish to poison my body with unnatural hormones that do not belong inside of me. I no longer wish to pull the wool over anyones eye, I just want to live and live in a place where I don't have to force the world to see what I want them to see, I just want to be me, no labels, no boxes, just me.

So anyways, the time to heal is now. It has been a long and tiring road, what lies ahead is lots of uncertainties, but I am ready for whatever comes my way. I am a woman, always have been, always will be. For those that are claiming womanhood because they "feel" they are, I can only say this to you, feelings has nothing to do with who you are, we can't just feel we hate something, so therefore I will be something else. Biology is biology which ever way you slice it. Express away is all I have to say, but make sure you are aware of who you are, and try not fall into the trap of delusion, because in the end it is you, you will hurt, and that is a hard pill to swallow when the years pass and you have to face you in that mirror.


To be continued.......

The Shadows

Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt I did not belong. I had problems making friends, and I almost felt as if I was the parent, in my home. Don't get me wrong, my parents tried, all good parents do, they are just not equipped at times and never received the manual. Now, I was very responsible, did not like to play, I instead preferred to sit around with the adults and engage in conversations, but I was quickly informed to go outside or go play with my "friends".

Yeah on that note, friends were really acquaintances, and people I engaged with to past time. But I never felt I connected with anyone, ever, and that made me sad. In high school, I had one whopping friend who was just as eccentric as me, so we got along, listening to music and talking about important things in life.  Raul graduated before me, he was two years ahead and I was left alone, yet again. My parents got divorced and I quickly found away to escape and joined the Army. Boy (there we go using a male pronoun again), was that a mistake. I was forced to grow up even faster, dealt with more isolation, abuse and loneliness.

Fast forward some more, I now am dealing with weight issues, I hated physical activities and the army pushed me and took me places I did not want to go. Running and engaging in heavy activities where definitely not my cup of tea. Eating disorders developed, I grew fatter and unhappier as the years went by.  I did not like who I was, and although many would flatter me and shower me with compliments, my ears did not hear and my heart did not see. The vicious cycle of dieting, throwing up, engaging in drug abuse and hating myself continued. But no one knew, I kept it all in silence, after all I had a great smile and used it to hide my pain.

Glimpses of my youth come to mind, inside the fitting room, trying on clothes I was 8 years old. "Tuck that stomach in, look at that belly, your too fat", she said. I hated clothes shopping, it was no fun, why can't we just be naked.  To this day dressing rooms are a place of horror for me, and my stomach a point of distress and pain.

"Are you looking at me or at her"? Yes, a typical question that after a while was like finger nails scratching down a chalk board. Being cross eyed did nothing for my self esteem, even after under going 2 operations at the age of one, my eyes worked against each other and my ability to learn was affected greatly. I hated school and I hated life, why am I here.......

To be continued.........