Estrogen Blues

I remember having had problems from a very young age due to the excess amount of estrogen my body produced. My periods were erratic and painful, my moods and anxiety too much for a young body to handle. I hated everything about what this hormone stood for. It made me sick with many ailments from asthma, to hives, not to mention crippling heart palpitations and bone pain. I was a mess.

The latest supplementation I have been on DHEA and fenugreek have not agreed with me, I find to have had massive anxiety and with lots of heart flutters and an increased pulse and blood pressure. I have had to stop urine therapy since it is not recommended when taking any supplementation that alters your hormones. I find that these supplements increase my adrenal production of estradiol which my body does not like. I am going to stop and wait till my Suma root arrives and see how that goes.

Anxiety is no fun especially when it makes you sick and makes your heart feel like it will bust out of your chest. I believe the fenugreek is the culprit, once my body settles I may go back on DHEA but only take it 2 to 3 times a week. We are one giant chemistry set, and learning what works for us is important.

On another note it snowed here in Silver City and its been very cold not a great thing for an Islander, I like the change in season but prefer the warmth. Thankfully we have a great heating system and it’s all-inclusive in our rent.

On a happier note, Lynna and I had an amazing weekend went shopping for some kitchen toys to grind our own coffee beans and flaxseeds and purchased a French press coffee maker to make some awesome organic coffee.

We ordered a water purification system and continue on our health quest. Years of polluting our bodies with toxins both mental and physical require lots of purifying.

I know I will find the right mix for our bodies to lead a healthy life and to grow old gracefully.

Till Next time

Self Denial

This is now

That was then

The struggle of being who we feel we aught to be, creates devastation from the moment we pursue the "dream". As Maritza I struggled with my mannerisms, my dress code and presentation, the world was telling me I was wrong for being me. Little girls should not sit a certain way, careful how you walk you emulate the walk of a boy, these words pounded my brain and shaped the fears and low self esteem I experience today.  Looking back at my life, I see how I could have done things differently, don't we all? But badgering and judging myself just like everyone else did would solve  absolutely nothing and further create damage, the damage that I am now faced with healing.

I can understand now why I wanted to take on the role of a male bodied person, they have all the fun, authority and rule the world. But little did I know that it is actually a woman who has all the control, if only we can look past societies illusion, and really see the power of what it means to be a woman. I know that now, after 13 years of living a male's life, whatever that means, but it has given me a strong insight of the power I truly posses as a female.

What has led me to my change of heart and detransitioning you may ask? The realization that I did not have to do what I did to realize who I am.  I came up with all sorts of excuses to justify doing what I did, altering my body and creating a mirage of what I though I should be. Many in this community lose it all while pursuing what they think they are or should be. I lost many clients, clients Maritza built while creating an amazing business called  Bodies Under Construction .  At first, I was in denial, and created all sorts of excuses for the loss, the lethargic nature of Mark, destroyed single handed all the hard work Maritza put to build a career and business, placing more focus on   transgender advocacy, and running away from reality in a world that would not question Mark's validity.

I look back now and I can clearly see the destruction, many in this community have blinders and refuse to see right through the smokey mirrors and just continue paving forward with their plan, the plan to destroy who they were and everyone they knew.  I have this to say to those in this community, when you wake up from your dream, you will find many feelings you will have to face, and I promise you, regret will be one of them. How long it will take, that is up to you and your journey, but you will look back and see the destruction and wonder how did you let it happen?

Word of advise, be gentle with yourself, although the journey may have hurt many, it was your journey and something for you and others to learn from. I believe the biggest reveal for me was to learn to appreciate my womanhood, to learn to have compassion for every human and most of all, to make peace with the pain I felt through out my life.