Estrogen Blues

I remember having had problems from a very young age due to the excess amount of estrogen my body produced. My periods were erratic and painful, my moods and anxiety too much for a young body to handle. I hated everything about what this hormone stood for. It made me sick with many ailments from asthma, to hives, not to mention crippling heart palpitations and bone pain. I was a mess.

The latest supplementation I have been on DHEA and fenugreek have not agreed with me, I find to have had massive anxiety and with lots of heart flutters and an increased pulse and blood pressure. I have had to stop urine therapy since it is not recommended when taking any supplementation that alters your hormones. I find that these supplements increase my adrenal production of estradiol which my body does not like. I am going to stop and wait till my Suma root arrives and see how that goes.

Anxiety is no fun especially when it makes you sick and makes your heart feel like it will bust out of your chest. I believe the fenugreek is the culprit, once my body settles I may go back on DHEA but only take it 2 to 3 times a week. We are one giant chemistry set, and learning what works for us is important.

On another note it snowed here in Silver City and its been very cold not a great thing for an Islander, I like the change in season but prefer the warmth. Thankfully we have a great heating system and it’s all-inclusive in our rent.

On a happier note, Lynna and I had an amazing weekend went shopping for some kitchen toys to grind our own coffee beans and flaxseeds and purchased a French press coffee maker to make some awesome organic coffee.

We ordered a water purification system and continue on our health quest. Years of polluting our bodies with toxins both mental and physical require lots of purifying.

I know I will find the right mix for our bodies to lead a healthy life and to grow old gracefully.

Till Next time

Waking Up

Grandma and I

Many people claim their gender dysphoria is a biological condition that they have had to deal with and known since they were 3, 5 or 6 years of age. I have heard others say they knew later on in life during their teenage years, and then you have those that had the middle age bug, or should I say crisis and embarked in their transition later on in life. Whatever time frame, whatever your story, it all boils down to one thing. Self Hatred and not wanting to be seen as, different, weird a freak, you know, not fitting into societies neat little box.  I noticed that many were raised in a very religious house hold and struggle with being gay or feminine. Many enjoy dressing in secret and have a fetish with what they see in the mirror. Whatever your poison and ingredient in this trans soup, it is all the same, more salt or pepper, or an added pinch of spice, we all have the same disorder, not wanting to be in the body or gender we were assigned at birth. Well guess what, tuff. Learn to deal with the cards you were dealt. If you are intersex or have some sort of hormonal imbalance, by being true to you and showing the world that it is okay to be different, you are helping with the human evolution, instead you hide behind a dress and call you self a woman, or hide behind your muscles and fuzz on your face and call yourself a man.

Arm Guard Job at Bank

The most liberating feeling I have ever had is to finally own up to my mistakes and accept the sex that I was given at birth, the then little girl and now woman my mother held in her arms when I was born was no mistake. I am a woman, may not be the kind of woman that society wants me to be, but to that I say, tuff and get over it. I say woman of all shapes, colors, types and sizes need to rise up and claim your place here on this beautiful planet we call home. It is time we stand up for what is ours and stop catering to what men and this patriarchal system wants us to be or look like. I have been asked if I am going to be a feminine woman and if I am going to get surgeries to change my looks? To that I say, I am who I am, if one morning I wake up and feel like wearing make up (lightly, I don't like lots of it), or wear something more "girly", then I will. If I feel like wearing mens clothing one morning then I will do that too. I am not a poster child for any movement or any cause. I am Maritza Delcarmen Perdomo, my mothers daughter and fathers bundle of joy, born on June 30 in Havana Cuba, I am no mistake and I needed no alteration or changing. I just needed to be free to express and to be me. I say to all of you young women out there, who are battling with your gender acceptance and expression, it is not your gender that needs changing it is your valor and inner strength to be the best you, you can be. Stand up to the system, to the bullies, to the stereotyping of what they think a girl should be or look like. The same goes for you guys, stop wanting to be us, you will never be us and that is a good thing. We need good men to balance out this war driven planet, to protect our daughters from the pedophiles and creeps of this world.

Bodybuilding Contest I promoted and MCed

We all need to accept the cross that were given, and do right by those we love and love us.  One day you will wake up and realize that what you thought was a cross and curse, was actually a blessing to teach us how to love ourselves unconditionally and as we are. I love myself now more than ever, I am happier now than I could even imagine (for those who think I am miserable and a hater ), my life is real now. I don't have to walk around like a sneak or an imposter, I don't have to constantly be anxious about what others think, as many in this community spend way too much time focusing on passing, and fitting in.  Free yourselves and wake the hell up.

Relationships and Healing

My parents divorced and I am now left to pick up the pieces and the start of a new life.  I had so many relationships, trying to find my identity and place in the world. All relationships were with females, yet, I could not be placed in a box, was I butch or was I  fem? I could not find the answer to that riddle, nor did I care to fit in any box. Fast forward many years and I found myself involved with a bisexual female whom I ended up transitioning with, and married for 10 years.  Life was good, I became a fierce advocate for what I thought at the time was the right path.

I since have changed the way I think, and have gotten to know many in the trans community. I no longer see life in the eyes of gender, I see life as a learning to tool, and gender just another tool of division for the masses.  Violet and I divorced, remaining friends, but realizing that I needed more, I continued in the quest to find love and to find myself.  I believe that many in the trans community are trying to do the same, except they get caught in the turmoil of wanting others to see them, instead of just seeing themselves. They try so hard to fit into a gender box, feeling they belong, just like a teen joins a gang to feel a sense of family and normalcy. But what is normal, why are humans so broken and their search to find happiness leads them into destruction of everything they built and loved?

If you listen to the narratives and really unfold the life of many in this community, you will find a common theme, brokenness, hurt, some sort of trauma, be it sexual abuse, religious dogma, not fitting in the gender they where born as, because of coarse they, did not make it as a "man" or a "woman", so they must be the opposite gender, right?  Because they "feel" trapped, "feel" wrong, so they need to fix it?  Well the body is not the problem, it is how they view the world, and how they "feel" they can't fit in, so escape is the only answer.

I find that until a trans person stops living in denial, and accept reality, they will continue on the vicious cycle they have started. It destroys everyone around them, and themselves. They can't ever find peace, and will continue to leave a destructive path, wherever they go.

Now, where am I in the scheme of things? Well, I no longer which to fight with my heart and head. I no longer wish to battle with anyone, I just want to be and be free, and I find that I cannot be free living a life that the Universe did not intend me to live in.  I am speaking for myself so before I get all the haters jumping down my throat as many have in the past, I want to say that this is my journey, my thoughts and my life. I no longer wish to poison my body with unnatural hormones that do not belong inside of me. I no longer wish to pull the wool over anyones eye, I just want to live and live in a place where I don't have to force the world to see what I want them to see, I just want to be me, no labels, no boxes, just me.

So anyways, the time to heal is now. It has been a long and tiring road, what lies ahead is lots of uncertainties, but I am ready for whatever comes my way. I am a woman, always have been, always will be. For those that are claiming womanhood because they "feel" they are, I can only say this to you, feelings has nothing to do with who you are, we can't just feel we hate something, so therefore I will be something else. Biology is biology which ever way you slice it. Express away is all I have to say, but make sure you are aware of who you are, and try not fall into the trap of delusion, because in the end it is you, you will hurt, and that is a hard pill to swallow when the years pass and you have to face you in that mirror.


To be continued.......

The Shadows

Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt I did not belong. I had problems making friends, and I almost felt as if I was the parent, in my home. Don't get me wrong, my parents tried, all good parents do, they are just not equipped at times and never received the manual. Now, I was very responsible, did not like to play, I instead preferred to sit around with the adults and engage in conversations, but I was quickly informed to go outside or go play with my "friends".

Yeah on that note, friends were really acquaintances, and people I engaged with to past time. But I never felt I connected with anyone, ever, and that made me sad. In high school, I had one whopping friend who was just as eccentric as me, so we got along, listening to music and talking about important things in life.  Raul graduated before me, he was two years ahead and I was left alone, yet again. My parents got divorced and I quickly found away to escape and joined the Army. Boy (there we go using a male pronoun again), was that a mistake. I was forced to grow up even faster, dealt with more isolation, abuse and loneliness.

Fast forward some more, I now am dealing with weight issues, I hated physical activities and the army pushed me and took me places I did not want to go. Running and engaging in heavy activities where definitely not my cup of tea. Eating disorders developed, I grew fatter and unhappier as the years went by.  I did not like who I was, and although many would flatter me and shower me with compliments, my ears did not hear and my heart did not see. The vicious cycle of dieting, throwing up, engaging in drug abuse and hating myself continued. But no one knew, I kept it all in silence, after all I had a great smile and used it to hide my pain.

Glimpses of my youth come to mind, inside the fitting room, trying on clothes I was 8 years old. "Tuck that stomach in, look at that belly, your too fat", she said. I hated clothes shopping, it was no fun, why can't we just be naked.  To this day dressing rooms are a place of horror for me, and my stomach a point of distress and pain.

"Are you looking at me or at her"? Yes, a typical question that after a while was like finger nails scratching down a chalk board. Being cross eyed did nothing for my self esteem, even after under going 2 operations at the age of one, my eyes worked against each other and my ability to learn was affected greatly. I hated school and I hated life, why am I here.......

To be continued.........