Healing The Wounds

My sister and I

This time of year is a very hard time for many of us in the LGBT Community, as well as for those who have lost a love one or are separated from their families, for some reason or another. 

I will be heading to Florida for the holidays, a 30 hour drive, since I am not fond of airplanes, especially during this time of year. I will get to meet my first and only nephew, my younger brother and his wife recently had a baby boy, and I am looking forward to holding him in my arms. I have been pretty estranged from my family since my transition, they have accepted me now, but some how Mark has always felt foreign to my family, it is a weird feeling, as if they weren't my family, I can't really explain it, but the coming home for Christmas will be a healing, a reuniting of sorts, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I want to tell my mother that she was right, I want to apologize for all the pain I have caused them, and make peace where there was once war.  

I know how important it is for trans individuals to feel family love after their transitioning, but many in the community do not realize that it is not an easy task, that even if they accept you, there is this deep pain that never goes away, we killed the one they loved and replaced it with a stranger.  It takes time, and even after many years, the dynamics are never the same.

I am looking forward to seeing my younger sister who identifies as a lesbian, we were very close before my transition, had a rocky patch afterwards, but then we resumed our relationship, but I am sure it was not the same for her. I appreciated the love she continued to give me as Mark, but I can't wait to hug her and give her, her sister back, something I am sure she longed for.

As I have mentioned before on many of my entries, we are not the only victims here, in fact the victims are our love ones, they are the ones that had no clue as we ripped apart their hearst when we killed the one they love. I know, I know, many don't think so, but this is how I see it, we can't expect people to be onboard with our reality.

Healing is essential for growth and one of the reasons, I believe, we are here on earth, to evolve and grow as spirit beings.  I am looking forward to this Holiday season, to have my family meet Lynna my spouse, and hope the day comes where I can meet her family, everything in due time, patience is an important factor for growth. We are here to evolve, let us not forget that, let us not fall for our own self pity and hurt, step outside of self and be a spectator, then and only then can you see the paradigm you are in, and hopefully learn the lessons you are here to learn. 

I will be taking a sabbatical from blogging, spending time with my family, showing Lynna around South Florida and just enjoying the holidays, I may do a few videos so check in on my  You Tube Channel 

I hope all of you have an amazing Holiday and New Years, I love you, but remember to love yourselves too.

Maritza Cummings

Wrong Body Or Mind?

The whole transgender concept when delving into its deep roots and etiology,  points out to a human psyche issue, based on childhood traumas, neurological impairments and over all lack of self acceptance stemming from religious upbringing or any environment that did not foster self worth and individuality.  It does not take a rocket scientist to break down the factors that created this phenomenon where grown men and women decide that they can change their gender like they change a pair of underwear. Individuality and self expression is not to be mistaken with wrong bodies, its more like societies attempt to normalize individuality by making people conform into a gender box.

When we hear account after account, the narratives all seem the same with a few added or missing factors. But what all these individuals, to include myself, have in common is self hate and lack of self acceptance, creating the illusion that they can swap their sex because they felt different during their younger years, and are not happy with the body they were given. There is nothing wrong with their bodies or genitals, but everything wrong with their thought process and realities.  They lack the capability to understand reality and live their lives emulating a temper tantrum child when they don't hear what they want to hear, or are not allowed to pursue their wishes.

Their lives are based on fun filled adventures, attempting to copy the gender they feel they are, but in the end fail miserably because they are not equipped with the tools needed to be that gender, only creating a character at best, cherry picking the characteristics of the gender they are trying to emulate. They are lacking self awareness and making everyone their target, blaming their lives on others without being able to take responsibility.

What the trans community need is to face the truth, to own their mistakes and issues, to realize that the sex they were given at birth was not an assigned sex, but a sex that they are, the sooner they accept truth and reality, the quicker they will learn and be able to live life in happiness, expressing freely without the needed validation from the world.  This is the secret to my awakening and making peace with who I am. Once I stopped fighting the world, the struggles ended, and I am now able to be free to be me.

Detransitioning initial video

For many people detransitioning seems to be harder than the original route of transitioning and I expected a lot more complications and mental distress than I have been going through. In fact, it has been smooth sailing on my part, the initial awkwardness with Lynna lasted a few days and we have since been great.

I believe that the secret to my success is owning my past journey and not allowing guilt, remorse, frustration or anger into the picture.  I own my past, the path I chose, and now its time to take a different turn. I enjoyed the past 13 years, learn so much from my transition and now I am ready to put all into perspective and grow. Initially I had problems with my look, dealing with letting go of the egotistical creation, putting it aside and letting my true self shine. Sometimes we create characters to help deal with the pain from childhood traumas, and challenges we face as adults, as long as we know and realize that, that is all it is, then we can move on in a healthy fashion. My advise to all of you, do not get too attached to your new self, and don't forget who you really are, it will keep you healthier in the end. If you let it, your new self will try to kill the old and it will destroy you in ways you never thought imaginable.

It is your journey and your path, it was created to help you heal, don't loose sight of that and you will be just fine.  Don't abandon all your other loves and interest and make this new creation the center of your world, it will take over and that is not at all good. Be aware of what you are doing, if this creation is to be your therapy, make sure that it is serving its purpose and not creating more problems for you. Don't find yourself putting all your eggs in one basket and thinking that this is going to solve all of your problems, it will not, in fact it can create even more. Just stay balanced and aware.

Here is the beginning of my vlogging series

Stopping T Improves Health

http://www.eulogia.org/the-dangers-of-testosterone-therapy/

Two of the many side affects that I noticed with T, was an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, two of the most damaging results that can lead to stroke, heart attacks and death. Since stopping T, my usual pulse of 98-102, placing tremendous strain on my heart, has now dropped to 84 with only 4 weeks off T. My Blood pressure which I have kept under control while on T by using Hawthorn Berries supplementation, ranged from  124/92- 128/89, and now its 103 /73 a remarkable drop in such a short period of time. If I would have continued to be on T, I would surely have died from a stroke or massive heart attack, the strain I placed on my heart was enormous and all for what?

Now if we break down the many dangerous effects that cross sex hormones have on trans individuals, it makes sense not to take them. First of all if your body was meant to have synthetic hormones from your opposite sex, you would have been born the gender you so desperately want to be. Instead you are "forced" to take a substance that is not meant for your body or receptors, according to your chromosomes and DNA, this only creates health issues that are clearly noted, such as increase in heart disease, cancer, blood clots that lead to stroke and heart attacks, liver and kidney damage, brain damage and more. Why put your body in danger in attempts to alter your gender, while your sex remains the same?

Could you not as easy live life expressing as you wish without having to cater to societies needs of gender boxing? Do you not care enough about yourself and health to forgo such crazy practices? Are you that superficial that you base your life on looks and presentation based on a system that creates these situations to profit from? I know I fell for the trap and only wish I could turn back time, but since I can't the only sane thing for me to do is help others understand that there are other ways of living your truth. You need to start by loving yourself unconditionally, stop obsessing over the physical and work on the inner you, the one that really needs all of your attention.

I plan to not take any hormones at all, although I have no ovaries to produce my natural dose of estrogen, I will simply continue my healthy lifestyle of eating plant based products, drinking lots of water, exercising and meditating. I hope to be an inspiration to many young women who are being sold the lie, that their bodies are imperfect and that they need to be someone they are not. Till next time....

Facing Truth

One of the things that frustrates me the most about this community is the lack of self awareness and ability to reason with truth. I can understand not liking the body you were giving, the gender you were pronounced at birth, but just because you don’t like it or want it, does not give you the right to negate it. You can alter yourself all you want, heck pay a doctor enough and he will attach horns on your head and you can call yourself the devil if you like, but please, please, have some sort of reality check and realize that you are not the opposite gender you were born as, no matter what procedure you get.

I believe many of these individuals really believe in their minds and hearts that they are the opposite gender they were born as, and the actual medical "professionals" who are enabling these individuals are not helping them in the least.  In fact, they are creating monsters, instead of placing a sense of reality on these folks.  The notion is that they can be who they want to be and dare anyone question or challenge their beliefs, and here is where the pathology begins. Its not that you like to wear dresses, make up and heels if you were born a man, its the notion that you can change your sex and expect everyone to bow down to your wishes and fantasies. Shaming real women, forcing men to date them and visa versa. 

The lack of self awareness is where the danger stems and in the end when the walls come crashing down, these individuals end up committing suicide, and or living a life of deep depression even after all they did. No procedure can ever change your biology, nothing that you can do will ever make you a real boy or girl, you are the sex you were born as and the sooner you accept this, the happier you will be.

Detransition progress is going well, I am feeling more and more at peace with me, and can't ever believe I allowed myself to think I could change my gender or be happy with the change. The consciousness always prevails and we can't escape our inner voice, not for long anyways. In fact, I am excited to see what lies ahead, and to be able to be a beacon a light for others who have also fallen prey for th trans agenda, letting them know that they can be themselves without hurting their bodies, their love ones and their future, because there is no future in this endeavor, it only brings destruction, unless you are one of the lucky ones who has been chosen to be a soldier for the cause. The ones they are using now to lure everyone in, promising them fame and fortune, and all the attention money can buy, but this fame and fortune will not last forever, for once they achieve what they want, they will drop you like a lead balloon.  

Let's stand up for what really counts, allowing our future gender variant kids, teens and adults to be happy with their bodies and life, let us teach acceptance, let us change the way society looks at gender norms and make this world a safer place for us all, instead of promoting the medicalization of gender and quick fix that will lead to a quicker death. Till next time...

The Masks We Create

Remove the veil, remove the face, the usual narratives we all face, it is nothing more than a cry for help, creating a character that comes from hell, it has to be, when you look back and see the pain you have caused and all you took in the quest of your "happiness". Get defensive all you want, it is about time someone stood up to you and your cause. The go fund me accounts, the telling everyone to respect your pronouns and your plight, well what about the real world, doest that not count? You live in fantasy, every move you make is consumed by the creation in your mind, that you are trying to bring to life.  Fix yourself, really fix it, not just bandaid it with hormones and surgeries, you are in need of a revelation to stop the lies and your frustrations of wanting to fit in to a world that associates our kind as deplorable and unacceptable. 

Be wise, be real, accept the you that you were born as, doesn't mean you have to kiss ass, or be something you are not, but don't think for one moment that you will be able to alter your gender, it is all a fable, a big fat lie, one that you may get away with during the coarse of time, but there will come a day when your conscious will give you away.  Wait for it, I guarantee you, that your quest for this stunt is like Evil Knievel, but even he fell down and broke many bones, and eventually had to stop the show. 

You want to be brave, then step forward, and throw it all away, all the stereotypes you are trying to play. Stop feeding the system that is corrupting our world, our bodies and souls. You created this character to save you from your past, the ridicules you faced, all your insecurities and lack of say, it helped you talk and feel more confident, but of coarse it did, you now are on stage with a different number and name, no longer being criticized by the audience you face. They can't hurt you, cause the mask you have on your face, hides the true you that you hated each and every day.  The new you is more fabulous, wears fun clothes, sports new muscle, you feel invincible and strong, prettier than ever, more attention from the admirers who are as hurt as you, you feed each other without a clue. Time to wake up from the act, being you is the best thing to do in fact, give the real you a chance, now that you have tools to advance, it wasn't all bad, he/she taught you a lot, make it last. Teach the world what bravery is, and help the rest of the lost souls come back.  

Who Are We Kidding?

Ritz then with Dad and Auntie

Video after video, transition after transition, these extremely sad individuals who will stop at nothing to accomplish the fairy tale in their minds, are not for one minute stopping to see what it is that they are actually doing.  Who in their right mind, will destroy their genitals in the attempts to have another created? Now I am not trying to make fun or disrespect anyone, I am just trying to rap my head at the practice that many, including myself underwent, believing we can be a different biology from the one we were born as. 

Watching the creation being made, their voices, attitudes and persona change, as if taking on a role in a New York production on Broadway. It is so fake and unnatural. I look back at my own pictures as Mark, hair chest, sprouted beard, muscles and of coarse the swagger that demanded respect, yet, it was all a creation, a false notion, no different than getting into character before entering the stage. The stage in this situation is life, where these young men and women want to play their role in Hollywood, have their 15 minutes of fame. If their interest was really to "fix" their gender dysphoria, why are they always in the lime light, promoting their newly made character and flashy new name?

Instead of trying to make it into People's magazine or in the front page of Mens Fitness, these so called gender dysphoria soldiers would lay low, live a productive life in the role they transition to, and not be as demanding, boisterous and harmful to the gender they claim they are. 

After 13 years living as Mark, I learned many things, and one of these real important things I learned was that no matter what a person does to change their outside, they will always be the same on the inside. If you want change, change needs to come from within, learning to care for others, be a bright light for the darkness and stop being so self centered, something this trans community is all about, I know I was. 

Mark the Character

I learn that no matter what I did to my exterior, I was still a woman, always will be, can't change that, nor would I want to. I learn the world of men and how much I really do not want to be part of it. I believe that what I have learn will help me help others, I see life totally different now and I am proud of my return. My advice to trans folks is stop trying to change the world and your exterior, be happy with who you are, if you want to change, change the things like the lack of self love and conditions you place on your happiness, cause in the end when your FFS starts to droop, and your not so new man made vagina or penis starts to malfunction and it served you no purpose, you will look back and wonder what the heck did I do? 

So stop all that energy, worrying and frustrations you are placing on yourself and start doing something productive, like mentoring these gender variant kids and teach them they are perfect the way they are. 

Any how, my detransition progress is going great, still have the occasional headaches from the cessation of Testosterone, still battling with my hair growth on my face and body and the lack of hair on my head, but other than that I feel great. 

Ritz now

Stop The Madness Please

I spent a lot of time having to put out fires, explaining things to people and trying to express my core beliefs and views. First of all I want to say, I don't want any harm to come to anyone in the trans community, nor do I want any rights taken away, and especially not have their medical access removed. What I do want is people to wake up and realize the truth. Yes the truth, not my truth but the universal truth that says we are not a mistake, our bodies are not wrong, our brains are not gendered, in fact here is the latest study that proves that we all have bits and pieces of male and female components in our brains, not one gendered glob of delusion. http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-no-male-female-brain-20151130-story.html

People are born with all sorts of different corks and differences, some men love to wear dresses, some more than others. Some men were de-masculinized while growing up and are dealing with all sorts of skeletons in their closet. It's hard I know, it sucks, but the reality is everyone has issues and problems they are dealing with and the world is not making concessions for them, they just live. I truly believe that the real issues here are childhood traumas that are showing their ugly heads as gender dysphoria, it feel nice to run away and be another person, or should I say gender. Yeah its great to start life over and leave everything and everyone behind, kind of like a witness protection program when they change your identity and move you away to a new place never to be found, but unfortunately we can't run from our true sex, no way, uh uh.. 

Whether you were told to man up, or act like a lady when growing up because you didn't fit into the gender box you were born in, doesn't give you the free range to switch your gender, even the doc who operated you knows he only performed a cosmetic procedure that really doesn't function as the sex organ you wished to have. 

People need to start facing their challenges, be truthful and stop living a lie, this community has gotten so bizarre that they are actually believing their BS.

The time to come to grips with this disorder is now before we literally turn the earth upside down. There are no objective findings to believe the trans plight of being born in the wrong body is true only subjective feelings from a person. Harry Benjamin created this night mare by allowing a few to have SRS, because he felt sorry for them, and could not change the way they thought, these individuals where actually intersex who rightfully had a plight, but trans folks are just confused individuals who need help yes, but not the kind they are getting. 

I know I am harsh in what I say, but I know that happiness does to come by changing gender, it gives you a bit of relief, because what is actually happening is, for the first time in your life you are being allowed to express your other side, to play, wear dresses, see your creation in the mirror, but once the fun ends, reality kicks in and you have to clean up one hell of a mess. Till next time...

check this out : http://frontier-heart.tumblr.com/search/trans+women+are+bio+female

The Mountain Climb

13 years of living in a body I created, a persona that was brought to life by me is now being demolished, thankfully due to self awareness and growth. My life the past 13 years has had a lot of ups and downs, good days and bad and overall quite the theatrical production. I have advocated, educated, married, fallen in and out of love, gain weight, loss weight, bought and sold houses, traveled, hurt, been hurt, cried, laughed, fallen in and out of depression, felt the need to commit suicide (not ever because of gender dysphoria, but having the tendencies due to the neurological impairment I face), wanted to live and so on. There has not been one single emotion I have not felt through out these 13 years living as your typical alpha male who was given a successful business by the true me, Maritza, but managed to give it away and lost it all.

What I am trying to get here is that gender dysphoria is not the basis for our problems and it is actually a false notion that many of us who are dealing with so many deeper issues are holding on to.  After these 13 years of not only living as a trans man, but living with and dealing with hundred of individuals in this community, I can safely say, we have a neurological issue based on childhood trauma and events, that carved our neurological system to function inappropriately and making us think we were born in the "wrong body". Honestly, if you are a trans person do some soul searching, look back at your childhood and see what you had to face. Many say everything was due to being born in the wrong body and being ridiculed, I say it was the lack of acceptance of self and lack of strength for not allowing yourself to be who you are, and instead created the character that allowed you to run away. The boy that imagined he was a girl, the girl that imagine she was a boy, it was cooler to live that fantasy, the typical personality disorder scenario.

Our brain has lots of plasticity and it creates all of its paradigms, fears, addictions, and mental health problems based on our environment, altering its DNA, healthy tissue production and normal synapses. We have become diseased by our environment which has changed our normal thinking patterns and behavior. We need to heal, not alter our bodies or take on dangerous hormones, we need to address our childhood issues and learn to recreate a safer world to live in. It is up to us, enough of blaming everyone else around us. Our parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had. I think that there should be classes provided for future parents on how to raise children, religion needs to calm down and stop shoving their dogma down people's throats and be kinder with their message. I believe that if we nip this problem in the bud early on, there will not be anymore of this crazy transgenderism in our planet, and people will learn to be healthy normal adults.

I really want to bring awareness to our human condition and diseases, we learn as we go along and can really help one another. I want people to realize that they don't need to hurt themselves to be happy, on the contrary the more you do the unhappier you will be. Learn to find your inner truth, work on that, and leave your outside self alone, it is only an illusion that you are creating which will fall down like a house of cards.

After The Fast

Ritz at 19 eating disorder one of the many characteristics in those who suffer from gender dysphoria.

Today is Sunday, and it has been 3 weeks since I have been off hormones. Everyone keeps warning me about all the problems I can face since I have no ovaries, having had a radical hysterectomy on Dec 2003. I find it hard to believe how people worry so much and are not confident in their bodies, I for one know that my body will do what it needs to do to survive. Fear only creates negative cell reactions which leads to disease.

Our bodies produce hormones from other glands such as our pituitary and adrenal, plus we also produce it in our fat cells as well. I am cleaning out my body and will let it do her thing. Then and only then if I feel I need supplementation will I take a natural form of estrogen called Estroven, eat soy products that are GMO free, continue exercising and eating a diet based on fruit, veggies, nuts and seeds, legumes as well as potatoes and rice, and the occasional fish. I will supplement with vitamin B12, drink lots of water and take in the healthy sun rays to provide my body with the much needed Vitamin D.

I am going to do this the natural way and will continue to document my progress. As far as my 3 days fast, it went very well. I felt lots of healing not only physically, emotionally, but mentally and spiritually as well. I will continue to do these fast every 3 months or so. It is a life saver and fortifies you with a longer life by allowing your body to rest from the very taxing digestion, and it created new cell growth in the brain and through out the body. 

There are lots of challenges to face, changing my name and documents seems to be a major ordeal, getting rid of all this ungodly hair from my body and face, and having my hair grow back on my head is not an easy task and costly. I want to create awareness so that its not only a one way ticket to transville, but an all rounded road trip where people are made aware of the dangers of transitioning and the end results. I want there to be accountability from the APA and WPATH and from all the organizations that are promoting transing, yet are not looking at the real deal. 

Everyone is entitled to live their lives the way they please, I am not against your autonomy, but I do want to provide another voice other options such as, live and be happy with what you've got, changing yourself does not lead to happiness. I see it every day, no matter what trans people do they are still miserable, so why hurt yourself? I have not began vlogging my experience yet, I will start soon and add the vlogs to this blog as well.  

Be kind to yourself and gentle, don't try to live your life based on trends and what you think people want or need. Learn to dig deep into your heart for answers, don't let your brain lead, it will get you into trouble every single time. Till next time.....

Shedding The Layers

I figured out why so many get so irate with me and confrontational with my writings and TV Shows, well not everyone, but those in the trans community who are still in their infant stage and self loathing mode;  I touch a certain chord and wounds deep inside of them, I am definitely doing my job. I plan to make people think and think really hard on what they are doing or have done. I want people to question their actions and validity, every step of the way. There are too many people who go on this transgender train ride who have no business riding it. 

By now I have revealed my eating disorder, my self esteem issues,  gender confusion and child traumas, all of which are the typical issues faced with trans individuals. Until you come clean, and accept your flaws, you can't heal. You will continue in search of this utopia which does not exist, and will continue to hurt yourself and others until you have nothing else to give. You will continue to feel dysphoric, no matter what you do, but the difference is now you have greater problems to deal with. So why not save yourself the hassle and aggravation, and just work through the underlying issues and learn to love and accept yourself as you are. The key  here is lack of self love, we blame our gender, but gender has nothing to do with it. 

Shed all the layers one by one, find out what is the cause of  your pain, and no, its not your gender, in fact gender is the least of your problems. I want to add that I am grateful I underwent this journey because what it has done is, it has allowed me to see the true me, and it has taught me to appreciate the woman I have always been. You can say BS all you want, and you tell yourself, you were never a woman, but the facts are, that you are the gender you were pronounced at birth. You may not act as the typical girl or boy, but that doesn't mean you are not the sex you were born as. We need to learn to accept ourselves and not worry about what others think or say. 

Society is creating this outpour of transgender individuals and are harming our youth by saying we can't accept your differences, so fix it. That is wrong on all levels, and we are in the making of a major catastrophe.  People should be allowed to express as they feel inside and dress as they feel outwardly. No one should have to repress their needs but this whole medicalization and fixing of the biological sex is ludicrous. It does not work, it is a temporary fix that in the end will blow itself out of the water. 

Here is an update on my fast: Day 3, going strong, thinking about doing 7 days but will play it by ear. My health is good, feeling hungry still, the digestive system shuts down after today, so the hunger should go away. I had an enema and good meditation session. I feel at peace and balanced. I hoping to detox the T out of the body or at least get a head start.  I am excited to see the changes in me and to start to recognize my old self. I have such a new found love for myself and the knowledge I have gathered during these past 13 years have been amazing.  More about that on my next blog, till next time.....

Revealings Of An Ex FTM

I have been ridiculed more by a community that I have fought hard to advocate for and defend, than by those that did not understand my plight in the first place. I have received death threats, my livelihood affected from those in the trans community, when they harassed my once sponsors and had them removed, all because I questioned the trans narrative and its validity. I was once known as a hero to many, having done countless documentaries, TV Shows, Books, Panels, Seminars, you name it, I did it all, but now I am known as a transphobe, hater and have been discredited. all because I sing a different tune these days.

I have been struggling with the whole transgender thing for a while now, but the more I learned about this community, after countless interviews with many, after seeing their behavior, and finally after much research, I have come to the conclusion that this is nothing more than a self gratification trend. Yes, there are some people that really suffer, they don't want to be the gender they were born as, but you know what, there are people in the world that don't like many things about them or their lives and they have to deal with it. Somehow, this has become a medicalized trap, and the trans community is getting away with their plight.

Before hormones and surgeries, people lived, they just did, but now that pandoras box has opened, trans has become the plague of the century, and the worse condition ever according to them. Well I am here to tell you that is BS, you lived with this before, you can live with it again. Be honest and say you don't want to, you enjoy doing what you are being allowed to do now, getting away from your responsibilities and playing a 6 year old child, playing dress up, and having fun. Sure who wouldn't want to run away and live in fairy land?

Any way, I am here to say, that no, the earth won't stop spinning if we don't get to live as the opposite gender we were born as, it may suck at times to feel different, but we need to learn that different is just fine. We can create a life for ourselves that is not destructive to everyone else around us and ourselves in the long run. How many trans individuals have lost it all in the quest to transition? They have destroyed everything they built and their families, it is the common theme amongst us all.

I can name quite the losses I had, starting from my singing voice, to my long curly hair, my self confidence (Maritza was fierce, strong and had so much wisdom), my business, my career, and my respect. Mark did not have the same gusto and focus that Maritza had, I felt like an imposter, I became an attention whore, I took on the energy that Maritza hated the most, that male driven agenda that destroys everything it touches. Maritza will return to her entirety, maybe not her looks, but her heart and soul will completely return after the healing  has taken place.

A word of advice to those pursuing transition, if you are not prepared to lose it all, then don't do it. If you think you are gaining something better, think again. After the honeymoon passes and the fun ends, you will be left with regret, anger, and sadness. In spite of it all, I really feel for the trans community, as angry as many of them have made me with their lies and witch hunts, I can still have compassion and feel sad for them, they are being led by a force that cannot  be reasoned with, but there will come a day, when they will look back and say, wow, she was right.

When we learn that what is wrong with us is not our gender, but our quest for happiness in whatever form that takes, we can clearly look back at all of our stages and behaviors and see the pattern. It is not transition of our body that is needed, instead a transition of our mind and hearts in the search of love and peace. 

Withdrawls

Feeling trapped in the wrong body has many components and many factors that stem from childhood trauma and the traumas we were subject to throughout life. There are many in this community that do have legitimate claims and dysphorias of many types, how they handle it or deal with it is very personal. 

Being in a relationship with a trans identified individual has many challenges and the challenges become even greater when one decides to detransition. The dynamic of the set relationship changes, and there are issues that arise. One would think what is the problem, you are the same individual, right? Well yes I am the same person, but now doubts enter my head, will they leave me because I no longer represent that icon I once was? I look in the mirror and the "man" I once created and the "man" they fell in love with is now changing right before their very eyes. 

My mind starts to play tricks with me as the hormone that made me this so called man, is leaving my bloodstream.  When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. The cumbersome shaving of a body that produces so much hair from 13 years of testosterone is exhausting and almost impossible to get rid of. The hair on my head sparse and grey, making me feel old and unwanted. I don't know how many people actually have detransitioned after being on Testosterone for 13 years, but it is not an easy task to say the least. There is no support for someone like me and I find that my detransitioning has send my spouse into major dysphoria. 

I hope time will heal these wounds and that everything will be alright in the end. I am trying to be strong, and I know that I must do this because the T that once provided me with so much strength and relief, is now hurting me in so many ways. There comes a time when we know deep in our hearts there is something one must do, and this is one of those times.

I am fasting for the next 3 to 4 days, I hope the fast brings some clarity and relief to this pain I am in right now. Till next time.....

Self Denial

This is now

That was then

The struggle of being who we feel we aught to be, creates devastation from the moment we pursue the "dream". As Maritza I struggled with my mannerisms, my dress code and presentation, the world was telling me I was wrong for being me. Little girls should not sit a certain way, careful how you walk you emulate the walk of a boy, these words pounded my brain and shaped the fears and low self esteem I experience today.  Looking back at my life, I see how I could have done things differently, don't we all? But badgering and judging myself just like everyone else did would solve  absolutely nothing and further create damage, the damage that I am now faced with healing.

I can understand now why I wanted to take on the role of a male bodied person, they have all the fun, authority and rule the world. But little did I know that it is actually a woman who has all the control, if only we can look past societies illusion, and really see the power of what it means to be a woman. I know that now, after 13 years of living a male's life, whatever that means, but it has given me a strong insight of the power I truly posses as a female.

What has led me to my change of heart and detransitioning you may ask? The realization that I did not have to do what I did to realize who I am.  I came up with all sorts of excuses to justify doing what I did, altering my body and creating a mirage of what I though I should be. Many in this community lose it all while pursuing what they think they are or should be. I lost many clients, clients Maritza built while creating an amazing business called  Bodies Under Construction .  At first, I was in denial, and created all sorts of excuses for the loss, the lethargic nature of Mark, destroyed single handed all the hard work Maritza put to build a career and business, placing more focus on   transgender advocacy, and running away from reality in a world that would not question Mark's validity.

I look back now and I can clearly see the destruction, many in this community have blinders and refuse to see right through the smokey mirrors and just continue paving forward with their plan, the plan to destroy who they were and everyone they knew.  I have this to say to those in this community, when you wake up from your dream, you will find many feelings you will have to face, and I promise you, regret will be one of them. How long it will take, that is up to you and your journey, but you will look back and see the destruction and wonder how did you let it happen?

Word of advise, be gentle with yourself, although the journey may have hurt many, it was your journey and something for you and others to learn from. I believe the biggest reveal for me was to learn to appreciate my womanhood, to learn to have compassion for every human and most of all, to make peace with the pain I felt through out my life.

Waking Up

Grandma and I

Many people claim their gender dysphoria is a biological condition that they have had to deal with and known since they were 3, 5 or 6 years of age. I have heard others say they knew later on in life during their teenage years, and then you have those that had the middle age bug, or should I say crisis and embarked in their transition later on in life. Whatever time frame, whatever your story, it all boils down to one thing. Self Hatred and not wanting to be seen as, different, weird a freak, you know, not fitting into societies neat little box.  I noticed that many were raised in a very religious house hold and struggle with being gay or feminine. Many enjoy dressing in secret and have a fetish with what they see in the mirror. Whatever your poison and ingredient in this trans soup, it is all the same, more salt or pepper, or an added pinch of spice, we all have the same disorder, not wanting to be in the body or gender we were assigned at birth. Well guess what, tuff. Learn to deal with the cards you were dealt. If you are intersex or have some sort of hormonal imbalance, by being true to you and showing the world that it is okay to be different, you are helping with the human evolution, instead you hide behind a dress and call you self a woman, or hide behind your muscles and fuzz on your face and call yourself a man.

Arm Guard Job at Bank

The most liberating feeling I have ever had is to finally own up to my mistakes and accept the sex that I was given at birth, the then little girl and now woman my mother held in her arms when I was born was no mistake. I am a woman, may not be the kind of woman that society wants me to be, but to that I say, tuff and get over it. I say woman of all shapes, colors, types and sizes need to rise up and claim your place here on this beautiful planet we call home. It is time we stand up for what is ours and stop catering to what men and this patriarchal system wants us to be or look like. I have been asked if I am going to be a feminine woman and if I am going to get surgeries to change my looks? To that I say, I am who I am, if one morning I wake up and feel like wearing make up (lightly, I don't like lots of it), or wear something more "girly", then I will. If I feel like wearing mens clothing one morning then I will do that too. I am not a poster child for any movement or any cause. I am Maritza Delcarmen Perdomo, my mothers daughter and fathers bundle of joy, born on June 30 in Havana Cuba, I am no mistake and I needed no alteration or changing. I just needed to be free to express and to be me. I say to all of you young women out there, who are battling with your gender acceptance and expression, it is not your gender that needs changing it is your valor and inner strength to be the best you, you can be. Stand up to the system, to the bullies, to the stereotyping of what they think a girl should be or look like. The same goes for you guys, stop wanting to be us, you will never be us and that is a good thing. We need good men to balance out this war driven planet, to protect our daughters from the pedophiles and creeps of this world.

Bodybuilding Contest I promoted and MCed

We all need to accept the cross that were given, and do right by those we love and love us.  One day you will wake up and realize that what you thought was a cross and curse, was actually a blessing to teach us how to love ourselves unconditionally and as we are. I love myself now more than ever, I am happier now than I could even imagine (for those who think I am miserable and a hater ), my life is real now. I don't have to walk around like a sneak or an imposter, I don't have to constantly be anxious about what others think, as many in this community spend way too much time focusing on passing, and fitting in.  Free yourselves and wake the hell up.