There are many of us who live with chronic pain, be it emotional, mental, spiritual, and yes even physical. Some of us have a greater tolerance than others, but time and being in pain long enough teaches us how to cope and even how to live with it. I have always had a very high pain tolerance, I believe it stems from dealing with abuse as a child, you learn to adapt and to get used to the abuse while learning how to develop a very high tolerance.
How many of you can relate? If you allow yourself to remember, to take a long hard look at your past, you can clearly see that you have become a master of dealing with pain. Many spent thousands of dollars on therapeutic sessions, others immerse themselves in addictions that lead to further pain and disassociation, but in the end, it all feels the same, carrying a heavy burden and painful stimulus that nags away at the deepest core of our soul.
When we grow up in dysfunctional homes, we believe that everyone goes through the same trials and tribulations, so we don’t really talk much about it, instead, we bury it and hope life gets better in the end. But it never does, things just get worse and our aging body is the one that has to endure it all.
I have always prided myself in living a pretty healthy lifestyle, but on occasion, I fall off the wagon and engage in eating processed foods, sugars, and yes breaking free from what I hold dear to my heart a vegan lifestyle. You think I would learn, but I am the most forgetful and masochistic human I have ever met. Sometimes I believe that I like to cause myself pain when I end up flip-flopping and changing what I know works best when I end up getting too close to the fire or doing things that I know will destroy my life, but I still do it. Heck, I don’t know why. Is it maybe self-sabotage of sorts, self-hatred, punishment? All I know is that I am human and I make mistakes, and I make them often, more than I like to admit.
But I digress, for the past 3 months or so, my body has been failing me, and I don’t blame it. I have put my body through the most grueling things a person can ever put their body through. On hormones, off hormones, vegan, not vegan, emotional roller coaster, and self-sabotaging phases that has left me in a pickle. I am spent, really tired, and inflamed. I don’t know if its the hormones, the inconsistency with my diet, the emotional abuse that I have allowed myself to endure, or just the mere fact that I have not been listening to my higher self.
But I will eventually get it, I hope, to tell you the truth I am tired of the sleepless nights, the pain in my joints, especially my neck, shoulders, back and hips. I know I am not a spring chicken, but I do know what it feels like to be healthy and pain-free. I want that again, and I know what I have to do, to get there. First of all, I think I have abused Testosterone for too long, its time to hang it up, call it quits, no more synthetics in my body. No more foods that agitate, irritate, and inflame, its time to be kind and gentle to my body and soul. I turn 56 next month, my grandfather died at 55, erupted carotid artery that leads to a heart attack, my dad died of Leukemia at 81 just last a few months ago.
I know we all must die, and I am not afraid of dying but whatever time I have here, I want it to be quality, no more vanity, which is what has always lead me to go back on T, you know adding the muscles and that stud look, but vanity kills and I rather look skinny than to have to deal with irritations from a synthetic product that will eventually kill me. So on that note, I will resume, the crazy therapies that have always worked for me. That is a plant based, urine therapy, and only putting the ultimate products and foods in my body. while exercising, meditating, and just being at peace. I will also be working on lots of spiritual and personal growth, its time to heal because the pain has been my biggest teacher, its time I learned.
