The Pain: A Day Of Giving Thanks

Having been around, dated and lived with many transgender females in the past, it has provided me a with information that many are not privy to. Many of these so called Male to Trans are dealing with deep rooted issues that stem from lack of self worth, anger and frustration. They failed as men, fathers, husbands and in many other aspects of life. They had poor to no relationships with their fathers, some never got to meet them, and  now feel as if they cannot fulfill the role of manhood in life since they never were taught how.

The "dream" of being a woman is deep for many, its as if they wish they could run away from reality and their responsibility while "becoming" the other sex, thinking this will solve all their problems, but in reality, the problems only worsens and now they have to face the catastrophe they created and left behind.  The same pattern is seen in Female to Trans, with of coarse changing the roles and gender.

There is lots of pain in this community, pain that is not being addressed properly, instead some pseudo treatment that only creates bigger issues and enhances the problems in the end. On a day like today, there are many hurt trans identified individuals who miss being home with their families and friends, and may even be feeling regret. They are in so much pain they can't even appreciate who and what they have around them. So my question is, was it worth it? Changing your gender marker can lead to bigger problems you ever anticipated, please think it through, because not only are you hurting yourself, you are also creating a title wave of hurt with every move you make.

I want to take this time to wish everyone a peaceful, love filled Day of Thanks, remember how many died for you to sit with your family today, how many gave up their land and home.  Let us be grateful for what and who we have in our lives today, cause tomorrow, you never know what brings.

Relationships and Healing

My parents divorced and I am now left to pick up the pieces and the start of a new life.  I had so many relationships, trying to find my identity and place in the world. All relationships were with females, yet, I could not be placed in a box, was I butch or was I  fem? I could not find the answer to that riddle, nor did I care to fit in any box. Fast forward many years and I found myself involved with a bisexual female whom I ended up transitioning with, and married for 10 years.  Life was good, I became a fierce advocate for what I thought at the time was the right path.

I since have changed the way I think, and have gotten to know many in the trans community. I no longer see life in the eyes of gender, I see life as a learning to tool, and gender just another tool of division for the masses.  Violet and I divorced, remaining friends, but realizing that I needed more, I continued in the quest to find love and to find myself.  I believe that many in the trans community are trying to do the same, except they get caught in the turmoil of wanting others to see them, instead of just seeing themselves. They try so hard to fit into a gender box, feeling they belong, just like a teen joins a gang to feel a sense of family and normalcy. But what is normal, why are humans so broken and their search to find happiness leads them into destruction of everything they built and loved?

If you listen to the narratives and really unfold the life of many in this community, you will find a common theme, brokenness, hurt, some sort of trauma, be it sexual abuse, religious dogma, not fitting in the gender they where born as, because of coarse they, did not make it as a "man" or a "woman", so they must be the opposite gender, right?  Because they "feel" trapped, "feel" wrong, so they need to fix it?  Well the body is not the problem, it is how they view the world, and how they "feel" they can't fit in, so escape is the only answer.

I find that until a trans person stops living in denial, and accept reality, they will continue on the vicious cycle they have started. It destroys everyone around them, and themselves. They can't ever find peace, and will continue to leave a destructive path, wherever they go.

Now, where am I in the scheme of things? Well, I no longer which to fight with my heart and head. I no longer wish to battle with anyone, I just want to be and be free, and I find that I cannot be free living a life that the Universe did not intend me to live in.  I am speaking for myself so before I get all the haters jumping down my throat as many have in the past, I want to say that this is my journey, my thoughts and my life. I no longer wish to poison my body with unnatural hormones that do not belong inside of me. I no longer wish to pull the wool over anyones eye, I just want to live and live in a place where I don't have to force the world to see what I want them to see, I just want to be me, no labels, no boxes, just me.

So anyways, the time to heal is now. It has been a long and tiring road, what lies ahead is lots of uncertainties, but I am ready for whatever comes my way. I am a woman, always have been, always will be. For those that are claiming womanhood because they "feel" they are, I can only say this to you, feelings has nothing to do with who you are, we can't just feel we hate something, so therefore I will be something else. Biology is biology which ever way you slice it. Express away is all I have to say, but make sure you are aware of who you are, and try not fall into the trap of delusion, because in the end it is you, you will hurt, and that is a hard pill to swallow when the years pass and you have to face you in that mirror.


To be continued.......

The Shadows

Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt I did not belong. I had problems making friends, and I almost felt as if I was the parent, in my home. Don't get me wrong, my parents tried, all good parents do, they are just not equipped at times and never received the manual. Now, I was very responsible, did not like to play, I instead preferred to sit around with the adults and engage in conversations, but I was quickly informed to go outside or go play with my "friends".

Yeah on that note, friends were really acquaintances, and people I engaged with to past time. But I never felt I connected with anyone, ever, and that made me sad. In high school, I had one whopping friend who was just as eccentric as me, so we got along, listening to music and talking about important things in life.  Raul graduated before me, he was two years ahead and I was left alone, yet again. My parents got divorced and I quickly found away to escape and joined the Army. Boy (there we go using a male pronoun again), was that a mistake. I was forced to grow up even faster, dealt with more isolation, abuse and loneliness.

Fast forward some more, I now am dealing with weight issues, I hated physical activities and the army pushed me and took me places I did not want to go. Running and engaging in heavy activities where definitely not my cup of tea. Eating disorders developed, I grew fatter and unhappier as the years went by.  I did not like who I was, and although many would flatter me and shower me with compliments, my ears did not hear and my heart did not see. The vicious cycle of dieting, throwing up, engaging in drug abuse and hating myself continued. But no one knew, I kept it all in silence, after all I had a great smile and used it to hide my pain.

Glimpses of my youth come to mind, inside the fitting room, trying on clothes I was 8 years old. "Tuck that stomach in, look at that belly, your too fat", she said. I hated clothes shopping, it was no fun, why can't we just be naked.  To this day dressing rooms are a place of horror for me, and my stomach a point of distress and pain.

"Are you looking at me or at her"? Yes, a typical question that after a while was like finger nails scratching down a chalk board. Being cross eyed did nothing for my self esteem, even after under going 2 operations at the age of one, my eyes worked against each other and my ability to learn was affected greatly. I hated school and I hated life, why am I here.......

To be continued.........