After The Fast

Ritz at 19 eating disorder one of the many characteristics in those who suffer from gender dysphoria.

Today is Sunday, and it has been 3 weeks since I have been off hormones. Everyone keeps warning me about all the problems I can face since I have no ovaries, having had a radical hysterectomy on Dec 2003. I find it hard to believe how people worry so much and are not confident in their bodies, I for one know that my body will do what it needs to do to survive. Fear only creates negative cell reactions which leads to disease.

Our bodies produce hormones from other glands such as our pituitary and adrenal, plus we also produce it in our fat cells as well. I am cleaning out my body and will let it do her thing. Then and only then if I feel I need supplementation will I take a natural form of estrogen called Estroven, eat soy products that are GMO free, continue exercising and eating a diet based on fruit, veggies, nuts and seeds, legumes as well as potatoes and rice, and the occasional fish. I will supplement with vitamin B12, drink lots of water and take in the healthy sun rays to provide my body with the much needed Vitamin D.

I am going to do this the natural way and will continue to document my progress. As far as my 3 days fast, it went very well. I felt lots of healing not only physically, emotionally, but mentally and spiritually as well. I will continue to do these fast every 3 months or so. It is a life saver and fortifies you with a longer life by allowing your body to rest from the very taxing digestion, and it created new cell growth in the brain and through out the body. 

There are lots of challenges to face, changing my name and documents seems to be a major ordeal, getting rid of all this ungodly hair from my body and face, and having my hair grow back on my head is not an easy task and costly. I want to create awareness so that its not only a one way ticket to transville, but an all rounded road trip where people are made aware of the dangers of transitioning and the end results. I want there to be accountability from the APA and WPATH and from all the organizations that are promoting transing, yet are not looking at the real deal. 

Everyone is entitled to live their lives the way they please, I am not against your autonomy, but I do want to provide another voice other options such as, live and be happy with what you've got, changing yourself does not lead to happiness. I see it every day, no matter what trans people do they are still miserable, so why hurt yourself? I have not began vlogging my experience yet, I will start soon and add the vlogs to this blog as well.  

Be kind to yourself and gentle, don't try to live your life based on trends and what you think people want or need. Learn to dig deep into your heart for answers, don't let your brain lead, it will get you into trouble every single time. Till next time.....

Shedding The Layers

I figured out why so many get so irate with me and confrontational with my writings and TV Shows, well not everyone, but those in the trans community who are still in their infant stage and self loathing mode;  I touch a certain chord and wounds deep inside of them, I am definitely doing my job. I plan to make people think and think really hard on what they are doing or have done. I want people to question their actions and validity, every step of the way. There are too many people who go on this transgender train ride who have no business riding it. 

By now I have revealed my eating disorder, my self esteem issues,  gender confusion and child traumas, all of which are the typical issues faced with trans individuals. Until you come clean, and accept your flaws, you can't heal. You will continue in search of this utopia which does not exist, and will continue to hurt yourself and others until you have nothing else to give. You will continue to feel dysphoric, no matter what you do, but the difference is now you have greater problems to deal with. So why not save yourself the hassle and aggravation, and just work through the underlying issues and learn to love and accept yourself as you are. The key  here is lack of self love, we blame our gender, but gender has nothing to do with it. 

Shed all the layers one by one, find out what is the cause of  your pain, and no, its not your gender, in fact gender is the least of your problems. I want to add that I am grateful I underwent this journey because what it has done is, it has allowed me to see the true me, and it has taught me to appreciate the woman I have always been. You can say BS all you want, and you tell yourself, you were never a woman, but the facts are, that you are the gender you were pronounced at birth. You may not act as the typical girl or boy, but that doesn't mean you are not the sex you were born as. We need to learn to accept ourselves and not worry about what others think or say. 

Society is creating this outpour of transgender individuals and are harming our youth by saying we can't accept your differences, so fix it. That is wrong on all levels, and we are in the making of a major catastrophe.  People should be allowed to express as they feel inside and dress as they feel outwardly. No one should have to repress their needs but this whole medicalization and fixing of the biological sex is ludicrous. It does not work, it is a temporary fix that in the end will blow itself out of the water. 

Here is an update on my fast: Day 3, going strong, thinking about doing 7 days but will play it by ear. My health is good, feeling hungry still, the digestive system shuts down after today, so the hunger should go away. I had an enema and good meditation session. I feel at peace and balanced. I hoping to detox the T out of the body or at least get a head start.  I am excited to see the changes in me and to start to recognize my old self. I have such a new found love for myself and the knowledge I have gathered during these past 13 years have been amazing.  More about that on my next blog, till next time.....

Turning The Pages: Welcome Back

Just as the moment of death when your life flashes before you, I feel that's where I am at, at this moment in time.  I transitioned in 2003, had quite the journey and paved my path, yet,  In the end, I found out that what I did solved absolutely nothing. I am no more a man today than I was Dec 23 2003 when I underwent a 7 hour procedure that consisted of a double mastectomy, laparoscopy induced radical hysterectomy and oophorectomy. I mutilated myself as many do in the quest of "changing" their sex.  Now I look back and think "what was I thinking"?    I became bald, hairy, scared and maimed, but a man, I am not. I know many in the trans community think they can magically change who they are by undergoing these procedures and taking dangerous hormones, but if they closely examined this, they would soon find out, that they are wrong.  How many women under go radical hysterectomies and mastectomy's due to cancer or other health issues? They are still women, not men. How many genetically born females have excess androgen and suffer from all sorts of  hormonal imbalances, having a deeper voice, hair in places they don't want, and lose the hair on their heads, many. Yet, they are still women.

My siblings and I

How many men are born with an extreme feminine personalities, love everything nice and pink, yet, are men. Yes that's right folks, this latest notion that we can change our bodies to become something else, does not make us that something else we wish to be.  We are only making fools of ourselves and the medical community lots of money. Save your money, and spend your time helping others, get out of your head and self for a minute, and realize that your gender dysphoria is not the most important thing in this world.

Mom and I

Now, lets talk a little bit about my de transitioning and this blog. I hope to be able to bring some awareness to this matter, and dive deep, deeper than most have ever cared to dive into. I did what I did back in 2003, because I believed that this fantasy was possible. But when the years passed, I realize that this was just another impulse driven by my need to belong and feel "normal"  Boy was I wrong, I have felt less normal since my transition and there was never a day, I didtn think of myself as an imposter, and oh yes a freak. I would look in the mirror and see the scars and my excessively hair body and bald head, and at times I just wanted to scream. I,  being Maritza, the real person in this body, who had to step aside for this destructive individual who ruined everything Maritza worked so hard to build. You think you are being true to yourself, but like an episode or a scene from invasion of the body snatcher, your new creation is slowly destroying everything you ever where, created or loved.


So now its time to turn the page, and start a new chapter, or maybe even a book. Maritza is back and will no longer allow this fabrication called Mark to continue to ruin her life. So I say to you old friend, I know you meant well, and in a sense was created to protect Maritza from all the bad things men have done in her life. I know your heart was in the right place, but I am sorry to say, your time is up, and you can now leave us alone and in peace. Your destruction will forever leave scars in our lives, but the time for healing is now. So goodbye Mark and welcome back Maritza, you have a life ahead of you and lots of healing to do.

Dad and I

The Shadows

Ever since I was a little kid, I always felt I did not belong. I had problems making friends, and I almost felt as if I was the parent, in my home. Don't get me wrong, my parents tried, all good parents do, they are just not equipped at times and never received the manual. Now, I was very responsible, did not like to play, I instead preferred to sit around with the adults and engage in conversations, but I was quickly informed to go outside or go play with my "friends".

Yeah on that note, friends were really acquaintances, and people I engaged with to past time. But I never felt I connected with anyone, ever, and that made me sad. In high school, I had one whopping friend who was just as eccentric as me, so we got along, listening to music and talking about important things in life.  Raul graduated before me, he was two years ahead and I was left alone, yet again. My parents got divorced and I quickly found away to escape and joined the Army. Boy (there we go using a male pronoun again), was that a mistake. I was forced to grow up even faster, dealt with more isolation, abuse and loneliness.

Fast forward some more, I now am dealing with weight issues, I hated physical activities and the army pushed me and took me places I did not want to go. Running and engaging in heavy activities where definitely not my cup of tea. Eating disorders developed, I grew fatter and unhappier as the years went by.  I did not like who I was, and although many would flatter me and shower me with compliments, my ears did not hear and my heart did not see. The vicious cycle of dieting, throwing up, engaging in drug abuse and hating myself continued. But no one knew, I kept it all in silence, after all I had a great smile and used it to hide my pain.

Glimpses of my youth come to mind, inside the fitting room, trying on clothes I was 8 years old. "Tuck that stomach in, look at that belly, your too fat", she said. I hated clothes shopping, it was no fun, why can't we just be naked.  To this day dressing rooms are a place of horror for me, and my stomach a point of distress and pain.

"Are you looking at me or at her"? Yes, a typical question that after a while was like finger nails scratching down a chalk board. Being cross eyed did nothing for my self esteem, even after under going 2 operations at the age of one, my eyes worked against each other and my ability to learn was affected greatly. I hated school and I hated life, why am I here.......

To be continued.........

Finding Self

I believe as humans, we are always growing and changing, those that do not are in a perpetual state of nothingness. Whenever we believe we are done growing somehow we are saying that we have lost our drive to change and grow.

One of the reasons I denounced being transgender was the confusion and lack of construct in the word and community. Therefore I had to recreate and find my true self. In that search I found that I cannot and will never be placed in any type of box, including a gender box, Why? Because I am more than a couple of words slapped together by someone who thinks they know me. I am bigger than the word transgender, or Cis female, or Trans man. I cannot be explained nor be understood therefore, I am that I am, and forever will be changing and growing.

I hope to help end this fight we see amongst all the different groups and political agendas that divide us all and keep us fighting with one another. If we could just learn to respect and understand each others pain, and go a step further as to support one another, I believe we would solve the many problems we are faced with.

Now I still hold true many of my core beliefs, such as a man can not be a woman, nor can a woman be a man. We can easily express our selves and lead our lives in ways that finds us happiness, but when we create a political fight against others to prove we are something we are not, that is when the danger begins. Let us educate one another, let us understand while using a gentler approach to the matter.

In the mean time, I am still reinventing myself and I am so ever excited for what the future holds. I am a unicorn, I am a hybrid, and what I am cannot be boxed or bottled.