Relationships and Healing

My parents divorced and I am now left to pick up the pieces and the start of a new life.  I had so many relationships, trying to find my identity and place in the world. All relationships were with females, yet, I could not be placed in a box, was I butch or was I  fem? I could not find the answer to that riddle, nor did I care to fit in any box. Fast forward many years and I found myself involved with a bisexual female whom I ended up transitioning with, and married for 10 years.  Life was good, I became a fierce advocate for what I thought at the time was the right path.

I since have changed the way I think, and have gotten to know many in the trans community. I no longer see life in the eyes of gender, I see life as a learning to tool, and gender just another tool of division for the masses.  Violet and I divorced, remaining friends, but realizing that I needed more, I continued in the quest to find love and to find myself.  I believe that many in the trans community are trying to do the same, except they get caught in the turmoil of wanting others to see them, instead of just seeing themselves. They try so hard to fit into a gender box, feeling they belong, just like a teen joins a gang to feel a sense of family and normalcy. But what is normal, why are humans so broken and their search to find happiness leads them into destruction of everything they built and loved?

If you listen to the narratives and really unfold the life of many in this community, you will find a common theme, brokenness, hurt, some sort of trauma, be it sexual abuse, religious dogma, not fitting in the gender they where born as, because of coarse they, did not make it as a "man" or a "woman", so they must be the opposite gender, right?  Because they "feel" trapped, "feel" wrong, so they need to fix it?  Well the body is not the problem, it is how they view the world, and how they "feel" they can't fit in, so escape is the only answer.

I find that until a trans person stops living in denial, and accept reality, they will continue on the vicious cycle they have started. It destroys everyone around them, and themselves. They can't ever find peace, and will continue to leave a destructive path, wherever they go.

Now, where am I in the scheme of things? Well, I no longer which to fight with my heart and head. I no longer wish to battle with anyone, I just want to be and be free, and I find that I cannot be free living a life that the Universe did not intend me to live in.  I am speaking for myself so before I get all the haters jumping down my throat as many have in the past, I want to say that this is my journey, my thoughts and my life. I no longer wish to poison my body with unnatural hormones that do not belong inside of me. I no longer wish to pull the wool over anyones eye, I just want to live and live in a place where I don't have to force the world to see what I want them to see, I just want to be me, no labels, no boxes, just me.

So anyways, the time to heal is now. It has been a long and tiring road, what lies ahead is lots of uncertainties, but I am ready for whatever comes my way. I am a woman, always have been, always will be. For those that are claiming womanhood because they "feel" they are, I can only say this to you, feelings has nothing to do with who you are, we can't just feel we hate something, so therefore I will be something else. Biology is biology which ever way you slice it. Express away is all I have to say, but make sure you are aware of who you are, and try not fall into the trap of delusion, because in the end it is you, you will hurt, and that is a hard pill to swallow when the years pass and you have to face you in that mirror.


To be continued.......

Finding Self

I believe as humans, we are always growing and changing, those that do not are in a perpetual state of nothingness. Whenever we believe we are done growing somehow we are saying that we have lost our drive to change and grow.

One of the reasons I denounced being transgender was the confusion and lack of construct in the word and community. Therefore I had to recreate and find my true self. In that search I found that I cannot and will never be placed in any type of box, including a gender box, Why? Because I am more than a couple of words slapped together by someone who thinks they know me. I am bigger than the word transgender, or Cis female, or Trans man. I cannot be explained nor be understood therefore, I am that I am, and forever will be changing and growing.

I hope to help end this fight we see amongst all the different groups and political agendas that divide us all and keep us fighting with one another. If we could just learn to respect and understand each others pain, and go a step further as to support one another, I believe we would solve the many problems we are faced with.

Now I still hold true many of my core beliefs, such as a man can not be a woman, nor can a woman be a man. We can easily express our selves and lead our lives in ways that finds us happiness, but when we create a political fight against others to prove we are something we are not, that is when the danger begins. Let us educate one another, let us understand while using a gentler approach to the matter.

In the mean time, I am still reinventing myself and I am so ever excited for what the future holds. I am a unicorn, I am a hybrid, and what I am cannot be boxed or bottled.