What Is It All Based On, Feelings?
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As I try to wrap my brains on what just happened, 16 years of my life, where did they go and what did I do? There is a mixture of feelings roaming through my heart and soul at the moment, disbelief, exhaustion, and disappointment. In order to understand how I feel, I need to explain the events that lead me to transition in the first place. First, let me explain how I ever came about this whole trans thing. I was in Key West celebrating my union with my ex-wife Violet when someone approached me while I was enjoying a bagel from the buffet at the all women’s resort we were staying at. She asked me if I was an FTM, I was buffed had been using steroids for a while, and had just finished competing in my last bodybuilding competition as a female, I guess I looked the part.
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Needless to say, as soon as I got home from Key West, I started doing research on this transitioning thing that I was informed about. An FTM, what in the world was that? Well, to my surprise, I found a few websites, not many, back then, it was not a thing, as it is today, but got enough information to set me on the biggest train wreck of my life. I started the therapy sessions right away and had both a hysterectomy and mastectomy at the same time, I was not playing, but my life took a turn for the worse on Dec 23, 2003. I was gutted like a fish, these doctors had no regards on what they were doing, they played tag team on my vulnerable body at age 38. One offed my breasts, while the other, finished me off by removing all my female reproductive organs. Needless to say, I have never been the same again, the health complications that arrive from such drastic surgeries leave a lasting impression on your body.
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I can’t lay on my stomach, my chest to this day hurts when it’s compressed. I cannot urinate on command, I must patiently wait till the stream decides to come out, it has a mind of its own. Pain in the area where they removed it all, continues to be an issue at certain times of the year, one is never the same, trust me on that. At 38 years old, I was sent into early menopause, and I have had to deal with countless health issues, which many trans guys experience. Your skeletal muscular system is compromised when you are on Testosterone, and your body does not like you much for what you did. Your endocrine system has been sent on a whirlwind, and your cardiovascular is soon to follow. When you mess with one thing, one major thing, your hormonal balance, you are messing with an entire system.
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I was sold a lie, I soon learned that a woman can’t ever become a man and vice versa, we need to learn to deal with the real issues at hand, which is shame, childhood trauma, neurological impairments, and “Feelings” that we don’t belong or fit, which of course many take it as their gender being wrong. When frankly gender has nothing to do with it. Young women going through adolescence are facing a tsunami of emotional turmoil, which comes with the territory at that age, now add peer pressure and this new found cool fad, that you can be a man, well hay, why not right, you can bank on it being a disaster? Please, ladies, understand something, Testosterone will give you a beard, and bulk you up a bit, but your mind will never understand what you have done to yourself. You will be faced with a slew of mental and physical issues, as your female organs start to atrophy, the pains will be beyond tolerable, I have known many trans guys who have had to have an emergency hysterectomy because of the complications derived from the use of T. Oh did I mention your hair will fall off, and your body will become a human type chia pet?
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At first, you may think its cool, but when you start looking like a werewolf, and the number of ingrown hairs starts to create painful pustules of acne all over your body, your body odor starts to remind you of the boy’s locker room, and when you stop feeling, you will not be too pleased. The group of friends that you once had, will start to become sparse, and you will stop recognizing yourself. You will start to see how much of a jerk most men are, and women will no longer look at you the same, so if you are a lesbian, get ready to be isolated and your dating pool will getting smaller. Gay men, don’t like women, they will not see you as the dude you want to be seen as, trust me on that. I don’t care how much in denial many of you are, these are facts. I have lived it and seen many live through it as well. You will feel like an alien, can’t connect with men, or women, you are in no man’s land.
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Now, are there happy trans guys out there, a few? But for the most part, most are fat, bald, unhappy, depressed people, who settle for having a cat or a dog. Oh, and it looks even grimmer for trans women. That is an article all on its own. But for now, I am just focusing on the ladies, please don’t ever give up who you are. Women are the heartbeat of this planet, and you don’t have to fit into any type of stereotypes, don’t fall for the line that you are different, and cannot fit into the Woman role, that is a lie. Please do not give up on yourselves, as I did. I am here to say I regret my journey, I have a long healing road ahead of me, but I will survive, and I do it, not for me, but to help this future generation that is about to lose the essence of who they truly are. This whole Gender Circus is destroying the total essence of what it means to be human.
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So next time you hear someone say to you they feel like a boy when they were born a girl, ask them what and how would they know what it feels like to be the opposite gender? They have nothing to go by, only stereotypes, I have yet, heard a convincing argument by neither an FTM nor an MTF, that can convince me what it feels like for them to feel like they are born in the wrong body. Nothing is wrong with your body, you are just being programmed by a system that has pushed on you their gender roles, and has shamed you for being different. Do the brave thing, stick it out, be you, without changing your body, your gender marker, or by engaging in dangerous practices, such as binding, taking blocker or hormones, all so that you can manipulate your gender. Please wake up, and learn that feelings are misleading, and the only feeling you should worry about, is learning to love ourselves unconditionally.
Till Next time
Maritza
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