What Is Different Now?
I have attempted to detransition on several occasions since being with my soon to be ex-spouse Lynna, which frankly was prompted by trying to be a step parent to her kids, and this overwhelming feeling of wanting to return to me. The whole proposition which frankly sounded so very appealing and comforting to me at the moment, since I was unable to have children of my own during my youth and although I did try on several occasions, but was infertile, and not successful. The warmth in my heart and need to feel normalcy was very appealing, be it a stepmom or natal, either way, I was all for it and welcomed it with open arms.
My heart was broken when the kiddos wanted nothing to do with me, and Lynna was not impressed with the detransition route I wanted to take, so hence, I returned to the role of protector and became Mark again. I was not happy but did comply, with all of my past attempts, which ended up in failure every single time, technically not through any fault of mine but If I wanted to save and keep my marriage, I had to resume the role of the man that I portrayed from the start of our relationship. Lynna tried detransitioning with me on several occasions, but the attempt only lasted a month at that. Every single time, I was heartbroken and disappointed but dare I led on how I felt, after all, I was Mark Angelo, the man’s man, alpha, Cuban heartthrob aficionado. Maritza fell in love with Paul, for the first time in my life, had I let my guard down and gave my heart to a member of the opposite gender. The hopes and dreams of being in a normal life with children and the tall, dark and handsome man, went down the drain.
Deep in my heart, I knew that transition was a dead end for me, I learned so much from my journey into the other world, but I did not like at all what I saw. Men and women are very different, in more ways than people care to acknowledge. I know that women fight for equality, and the whole stereotypes want to be erased, but there are differences, many that I noticed during the time I walked in the other world.
I find women to be incredible, the power we possess is beyond words. Having had relationships with women most of my life, when I started dating and living with trans women, I noticed the difference right away. Not to take anything away from anyone, but facts are facts. I miss the ability to talk deeply, to communicate in ways that only women can do. I believe that the need for that comes from not having a close relationship with my mother, and I was looking for that in women, in general. I never knew much about men, since I generally dated and lived with women, a few exceptions in high school, but other than that I have always been with women. I learned a lot being with trans women about men, and I know that many don’t identify as such but biology is biology, no matter which way you slice it. It gave me a different outlook, and who is to say, that I may even date men now, guys that are bisexual and can get into an androgynous chick like me.
I don’t want to get into any serious relationships at the moment, I want to continue to grow spiritually, get to know myself more, I never gave myself a chance when I was younger or before transition, and finally, build the ministry that I am building, getting to know The Absolute, Mother/Father while healing myself and helping others find their way as well. I want to be a beacon of love and light, of understanding of truthness and reality.
This journey has been an eye-opener, to say the least. But I feel that there are no mistakes or coincidences, everything happened as it should have. I am here right now, where I need to be, a bit older, but wiser, banged up, old and feeling like a scene from saving private Ryan movie, but nonetheless, here.
I am not looking to become the next hottest model, I am not all about the frillies, pink and girly girl stuff, I like a mixture but draw more towards the androgyny style. I don’t want to force things on myself that does not feel comfortable. I hate to shave my legs, always did, I like the all natural feel and look. I believe that the reason we are seeing many young women wanting to become men is that they don’t identify with the image being created around women. We need to allow our young women to express as they feel fit, some don’t feel pretty and cannot compete with the status quo.
The Church is responsible for a lot of what we see today, the rise in this trans agenda. The Church needs to tone down its message of damnation about clothing and personality styles. Let people be comfortable in their own skin without having to convert them into another gender with a life filled with medicalization and further confusion. Its destroying people by the thousands and feeding right into the adversaries trap. The Church has created many of the problems we see today and needs a different approach in dealing with the LGBT. I am not saying to condone the behavior, I am just saying to understand it and find better solutions to the problem at hand. Note I don’t think that being gay per se is a problem, I am not the creator and will not judge anyone. I am saying that the life, many lead, in the LGBT community is destructive and self-stroking. There is lots of abuse of self and others, and people fail to understand themselves to the fullest. Lots of childhood trauma, and internalized hatred that leads to promiscuity, drug and alcohol abuse, and suppressed mental distress that leads to mental illness if not properly addressed. There are many loving people in the LGBT community, that lead to monogamous relationships, but we all know what goes on in clubs, and behind closed doors of the “lifestyle”. We can play dumb all we like but the truth must be told.
So what is the difference now? Well, I am tired of living a lie, this life was not for me. I tried, I played a good game, and walked the walk for 16 years. I know what goes on behind the curtain inside the LGBT arena, lived it, been there done that, have the T-shirt to prove it. I am not a hater or a phobe, I just know what I know, and I know many don’t and won’t like what I am revealing. But someone has to speak up for the sake of our world and our future generations.
Nature has laws that we must follow or we will get burnt. Everyone has to walk their path, and one day get judged by our creator, now note, I am not trying to be preachy here, it’s just the way life rolls. Action, reaction, what goes up, must come down. My own conscious spoke to me and was speaking for quite the while, but I refused to listen. Its time for me to get back with the program, the one that was created for me to live. I decided to pave my own path and do things my way, well that did not work out so good, did it?
To be continued……
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