Emotions

It's funny how we humans are so fractured, how we are governed by our thoughts and emotions. What are these emotions we can't see, feel or sense, they are not made out of matter or have any real structure at all. Yet, we can clearly say that most of us are governed by them.
Today is Thursday, I lay here in bed writing my thought and feelings, reporting my life, a life that has had so many emotions which I have not been able to control. What is living all about? What is real and what is false, what matters what does not? So many questions, not enough answers.

Today is back and chest day at the gym, I love working out my upper body, it gives me a sense of power. Have I  mentioned that one of my needs in life is to gain power? People who are powerless as I was as a child as I  watched my drunken father beat my mother, having an old man fondled my young body as I was powerless,  these were one of the many events in my life that disempowered me and made me feel helpless, have been my premise for my quest for power.
Are these emotions so important that they shape every sense of our messed up lives? I'm finding this blog to be empowering helping me reflect and possibly empowering someone else in the process.

I can't believe I'm as old as I am, what have I done with my life? How has gender screwed my existence as it has? Is it normal to be angry? Where does that emotion come from? Well anyway, I  won't dig into this one too much, let's just say I have lots of inner work to do and self-reflection to embark on.

I find myself being governed by expectations, if my expectations are not met I get disillusioned, is this normal? Everything has to be a certain way, a certain pattern or else I lose interest. Is this part of my Asbergers? Or is this a genetic trait I inherited from my mother? A woman who was so difficult to please, I spent my entire life trying to please her but couldn't.

Has this been my quest to find the perfect woman? Why I have had such difficulties finding peace with loved ones? Anyways I must work on self that is the only thing I can control or change is myself. I am the only thing I can make close to perfect.
I have tried to control or create perfection in others and always came out short or disappointed. What does this all mean? I hope it means I am creating awareness and that I'm now finally growing or self-understanding.

My physical status today is good, I'm stronger at the gym, lifting heavier, very sore though. No pain no gain so I continue the quest to build the perfect physique. Strong arms and shoulders, a big and puffed up chest, yes that's what I want. No one could break the armor that I shall build.

I feel the window of time I allowed my weak side to enter, stole from me. I must rebuild what she took. She was always giving to others, she was weak and I will have none of that. Weakness is not allowed, it destroys and allows others to take advantage. I must regain and rebuild the fort.

Till next time