RADICAL DESTROYS

My wife wrote on her Face Book wall  a few days ago (and since we have been the target for many rad fems) the meaning of radical and how anything extremes is destructing and divisive. When we bring up the curtains and remove the veil, we actually get to see the truth behind the intent. Let it be known that any movement that may have been started with organic and purest of intent, ends up being perverted by politics and its original meaning lost and ruined. 

Angry people stand behind these movement pushing their own angry filled agenda and hate. Lets take a look at Jesus, he came to show us the way, and told us "we too can do great things than him and that the kingdom of eternity and love is within us, not outside of us". It's not based on what you tithe or how many times you go to church, or if you judge others, (so you don't get to see your own faults). So Christianity, although claimed to be started by or for  Jesus, was actually a tool of politic devise, it is used to push hateful agenda's and to promote a separatist mentality. I know there are good hearted Christians, but the gist of the religion is based on blood shed and control, the follower are taught not to think and have blind faith, they judge others, and feel they are better than everyone else, at least this is what Lynna and I have encountered and I am sure others have too. But we don't hate Christians or wish for them to have separate bathrooms and an island of their own. 

Same thing goes for this Rad Fem movement, started with good intent but instead is now based on venom and hatred against men. I will say, men are responsible for lots of bad things, but women went right along with it, so why put all the blame on one species and see the other as a saint? Women have power, in fact women dominated in years past, just do some research on matriarchal systems in ancient history.  Women are entitled to their privacy from men, but what they don't get is that trans women see themselves as women, they gave up the male card and the same hormones run through their veins as any genetic female. Their hearts feel just the same, so why push them away, to promote the hateful agenda that most Rad fems push?

I stand for women, I stand for men, I stand for trans folks, I stand for everyone in the LGBT community, I mostly stand for love and acceptance for all. Stop pushing your hateful agenda's and for those that say its not hate, they are only protecting women, no you are not, and yes you have hate, deal with truth and find out what makes you feel this hate and please get help. Man hating is not normal, in fact any kind of hating is pathological. 

Two wrongs don't make a right and forgiveness may just save you in the end. Carrying anger and allowing our traumas to dictate our lives only creates further problems and divide. My own anger almost destroyed me, coming from a place of love and understanding feels way better, believe me.

I love you but remember to love yourselves too

Ritz

I See You

Playing with hair pieces and look

Soul searching is one of the most painful self discovery a person can undertake. No amount of therapy in my opinion can fortify you with the deepest discovery of finding you. We go through life building walls, hiding who we truly are in order to protect ourselves, not realizing the damage we are actually creating with in our psyche and mind. 

As a child we learn real quick how to hide our inner truth in the quest of belonging to a group and be seen. We engage in behavior that may not feel comfortable, surround  ourselves with people, habits and careers that may not be at all in alignment with our true intent. So we grow up resentful, angry, fearful and over all unhappy. 

It is important to stay real to our soul purpose, to understand what we are all about, not what others want us to be like. I have learn the hard way, and my path has been painful. I have done things to please others, and to feel like I belong. Creating an image that slowly became angry and full of ego. I can tell you now that feeling was not good, I lived a lie, in order to feel accepted and looked up to. But instead I ended up hurting many people, and I will forever regret my actions, words and disrespect to a community that did not deserve my belittling actions and words. 

We each have a journey to take, maybe mine had a purpose, albeit, I wish I would have been kinder, but I believe now by returning to my truth, I can help heal and mend the damage I created. In addition, help others question their truth and over all create a space where people can talk freely without ego and defensiveness. People are hurting, there are so many reasons for this, but we need to realize that no one pain is more important than another. We all matter. I want to say to all in the LGBT community, to our allies and to those who do not agree with who we are, or  who we try to be, find a space in your heart that allows you to come from a compassionate source, don't point fingers or create a judgment. Instead, reach deep and try to feel the pain of others by simply remembering the pain you have experienced in your life before. Pain is pain, let us learn to see each other through the eyes of love. To all, I want to say that I see me now, and  I can now see you.

I love you but remember to love yourselves too

Ritz

Ritz Returns Detransitioning Vlog #12

Self Acceptance

Having self doubts no matter what gender identity or sexual preferences you may have has become the norm of our existence.  No matter where you turn to you are being told that you could do or be better if you looked a certain way or buy this or that product. Plastic surgery has become the solution for the unhappy, and big pharma has a pill that will make you forget all of your problems. We live in a synthetic world, a world that has kicked the natural into the curb. Many are dying with cancer, a disease of an invasion of your soul. Cancer takes no prisoners, every cell of your body is consumed changed and turned against itself. The treatment is no better, radiation and chemo the destruction of the good and the bad in hopes to eradicate itself.  

We want so badly to belong, to be seen like the cool kid, beautiful, radiant, slim, a masterpiece of perfection, after all the boob tube tells you so. No wonder our kids are wanting to be someone else, adults can't deal with their world anymore, prozac and booze becomes the breakfast of champion in most house holds. Religion only sends us into a further spin by condemning our every move and inner feelings. Try to send a positive message to someone and they drag you in their dark world and shoot you without remorse.

I have found that self acceptance is the way to find true happiness, the more we try to fit into the protocol we are told we should be, the more it pushes us away from our center. Life is not easy, it is filled with contradictions, pain inflictions and over all sad undertones. The only one that can change that is you, switch the channel, turn it off, find your center, even if it means you need to find a hole to crawl in and meditate away your lack of outer control. You and only you have the key to your happiness and acceptance. 

I have a long road to travel but I know I am in the right path. Breath and exhale, take one baby step at a time and before you know it you will be there.

Love you all

Maritza

Unconditional Love

We use the world love often and unconsciously, throw it around without any true concept of what Love truly is.  We are taught from a very young age that we are loved if we do what we are told, even our own parents who brought us into this world fail to provide us the gift of unconditional love and that to me is a source of sadness beyond belief. This lack of unconditional love from our safe haven, creates the spiral of our life long relationship problems, including the relationship we have with ourself. 

We come into this world to build not only our bank accounts and ego, but to build our spiritual connection with our higher self and our fellow spirits. Every interaction we have here on earth is not a coincidence, but a carefully planned contract that allows us to work through the many challenges and working that are fortified to us here on planet earth.

When we judge others, we are merely reflecting on something inside of us we don't like. Our relationships are there to help us see inside of self, sort of a mirror image. If you look at your past relationships and notice that we continue to be faced with similar situations it is no coincidence that these relationships are a guide for our growth, till you work things out, you will continue to be presented with the same situations time and time again. I believe in twin flame connections, and I believe that many of us are fortunate enough to be provided the gift of finding our twin. I am thankful to have found mine and ever since, my evolution and growth has sky rocketed in incredible ways, this is how you know you are with your twin, when you are faced with growth and challenges beyond your imagination.  

Keep working on yourself and rid self of judgement and your life will change, you may even get to encounter your true other half. Life is exciting and can be an incredible teacher. Surrender to its lessons and navigate with an open heart and the world will be a kinder place. I have made many mistakes in my life time, but what I have learn from these mistakes is priceless, I would not change a single thing, even my transition, because my transition allowed me to meet my twin and now I am the happiest person alive, navigating the smooth seas with the sun shinning on my face and the world is my canvas, I will paint the images and pictures I wish to see, creating an ever flow of love, abundance, health and peace. I wish you all an amazing journey of learning and gratitude, give unconditional to yourself and others and that love will be fortified in return. Happy loving.....

                             2 months Testosterone Free 

      

                                                                                                                                              

For the past 13 years I have been playing a role  of a character I created. Mark Angelo Cummings as head strong as the name sounds,  it also embodied the full creation of a alpha man who I would have wanted to fall in love with, marry and that would help me heal the wounds created by the men in my life. I wanted to be what I wish most men could be, but somewhere down the line things got misconstrued and the man I was trying to create, slowly started to become like the ones I hated. I was self center, egotistical, narcissistic, unable to stay focus and in the end destroyed everything Maritza managed to create.

Although many may think of my narrative, as strange, considering myself as two individuals, my duality in my opinion is not a pathology but a self defense mechanism to help me deal and cope with all the challenges life presented me. Maritza wanted back after around the 5 year mark, but didn't know how to return.   She watched from a far while Mark continued to make a mess of things, acting like a demanding adolescent who believed the world revolved around him, no one else matter but "him". Playing with his new found male privilege, Mark wanted to change the world as Mark saw it, in the end hurting many that where unfortunate to cross his path. Now in all fairness, I can't say he was a complete monster, after all, Maritza still had a foot inside the abode, but kept silent as an observer, quietly shaking her head as she watched on horror. 

Fast forward many years, Maritza started to slowly take back her mind, but what still handicapped by the male hormone that did not allow her to completely take control of what was rightfully hers. Until finally with the change of events, Maritza was able to break free and now has finally returned. I feel more alive than ever, I feel I was able to learn more about men, life in general, than ever before. I feel blessed although lots of damage was done, I am now able to repair and heal while finally moving forward to the rest of my life.

It feels so good to be me again, leaving me, has helped me appreciate who I truly am. I have more respect for the trans community, which fight hard to fine themselves on a daily basis. Feeling alive is a wonderful feeling, I say here is to all of us who have been lost and lonely, may you find your truth in whatever form that may be.

It blows my mind how quickly the retransition is taking place leaving me to think did it ever happen

Dysphoria A Variety Of Feelings

So I learn to understand that not everyone in the trans community actually feels or encounters Dysphoria the same  way or with the actual intensity that some do.  I for one had very little dysphoria, and what I presumed was Dysphoria of my breast was actually caused by the boundaries I created from being sexually molested as a young child. I felt my breast was the center of my dysphoric feelings and what I felt when they were  touched was a dirty, feeling, therefore, I did not want them touched, I grew to hate them. I now have worked through that, a bit late I know, lol, but I often imagine how it would feel like if I had breast again. I would welcome them and not have the old relationship I had with them before. 

I look in the mirror now and I have so much work to do, the excess body hair and battle to rid of it, my face, the hardness, the facial hair battle and of coarse my male pattern baldness, all create a different type of dysphoria. I believe what I am experiencing now is what most trans folks experience but in reversal. This has now allowed me to have so much more compassion and understanding for my trans family, yes they are still my family, I grew to love, yet hate at the same time, just like an average dysfunctional families dynamics unfolds when dealing with issues they don't want to face.  We do most of our spiritual growth through our love ones, we face our biggest challenges through our interactions with them. So I want to thank the community for helping me grow and heal. We may not always agree but we can come to terms and learn to accept each others differences and respect our stance. 

I find I have more dysphoria now than before, and having a much harder time dealing with things or should I say finding patients. When I transitioned from female to male, the changes were quickly and strong. Now that I have all the male characteristics after 13 year of Testosterone and androgen use as a female body builder, the hardness of my face, voice and male characteristics are not as easy to reverse if at all. So believe me when I say, Trans sisters I feel your pain. 

I was cruel to not be understanding, but trust me when I say, I will try to do what I can to help the world understand your plight. I also want to help the adjacent communities find compassion in their hearts for the trans community, it is not a good place to be in harboring hate and resentment. Trans women are a different kind of women, some see themselves as much of a woman as we are. I want to help them feel at peace and at ease, I believe that if we unite and learn to understand one another, we can do great things as humans, and learn that we are more alike than we are different.  Waving a flag to make a political statement creates blood shed, lasting hurt that not only hurts the target, but hurts the one pulling the trigger of that hate gun. Remember being right is not always the solution, feeling peace and love is the way to freeing your soul.

Let us make 2016 the year of acceptance, a year that we can be proud of. We are women and I know we have been hurt through out history, but we can change that but not through politics or war, but instead through compassion and understanding. Remember many of you are mothers and will bring to this earth a child that one day may question his or her gender identity. Let us create a safe playground for our gender expression and well being.

Much Love

Ritz

Hurt

So my new found epiphany of being kinder, nonjudgemental is creating problems amongst some of my once radical feminists friends. They are now saying I am no longer an ally because I empathies with men. Let me say this, I know many see trans women as men, and I am guilty of that in the past, but since being married and in love with a trans woman, I must fortify her the decency of love and understanding, and can see her female energy above her biology. Maybe that is all we need to do, is show these individuals respect, and that we understand their pain and see that they care enough about us, to want to leave their male camps. Why must we find the need to tell them they are not women, I think they know that biologically they are not, and the pain they feel may not allow them to realize what many see as reality. 

I don't understand why I must choose sides, and why I can't have compassion for both, women and trans women. I am sorry the life long battle that has been going on for centuries must continue to be placed in the forefront. I for one find that what we resist will persist, if we continue to focus on what we don't like or want, we will only get more of the same. So, one group feels they are being wiped from the phase of the earth because another group wants recognition, can we not co exist and maybe try to help each other out?

I think that as a species we need to really look at what is going on here, we are going around in circles trying to justify our ideology and force this ideology on others, and no one is listening to another persons needs, instead creating scenarios that hurt everyone, not just women. I want to say that I love women, I am a woman and I will always hold allegiance for my sisters, but I also have allegiance for my spouse and my trans female friends, which I have alienated for a while now by  waving a hate flag. I am sorry I can no longer do that, I want to come from a place of love, compassion and forgiveness. So all I ask is to please respect my views and do not try to shame my new views or pit me against my feminists friends who understand my opinions and new beliefs. People grow, they change and they evolve. I am sorry you feel betrayed, those are not my intentions, I am just being honest and real.   We want to continue to be a beacon of love and light and there is no room for hate. I want to continue to focus on my detransition, I want to continue to spread knowledge to help people understand their struggles, not point them out and judge them for it. As women, our power may lie in our ability to have compassion and be the peace makers, if we wage battle towards others for pushing our own needs, what makes us any better than what we are fighting against. 

I get it, many will read my words and see me now as the enemy and no longer an ally, well I am sorry you feel that way. I can still be an ally without having to carry around the need to want to destroy the opposition.  I am part of the trans umbrella although I am a detransitioner, I can't throw them under the bus because I chose to no longer identify as a trans man, they have a right to live and be. 

Changes

It has been 2 months since I have been off Testosterone and I feel great. I am currently not on any hormones and allowing my body to do her own thing. I am confident that she will do right by me and I will be the picture of health and balance. I am happy emotionally, feeling good physically and today we have started another water fast. I believe fasting will expedite the healing process as will eating natural organic foods.

I wanted to discuss the changes I have seen thus far. First of all, my mind feels so much sharper as does my speech. I have always had a bit of a loss for words since transitioning, the research shows the a loss of grey matter takes place which affects our communication and now since being free of T for 2 months I feel more fluid and coherent. My facial and body hear are still coming in coarse and steady, not happy about that, and hoping that it will change with the passing months. I will be scheduling Laser when I move to Florida in a couple of months. 

My hair progress is coming along just fine and I have learn some really cool procedures that I will be using  to help it along. I was informed about a derma roller that is not only good for the skin but to stimulate hair follicles, here is a link Derma roller. 

Here is a comparison shot on the Left was the initial shot on Nov 15th on the right is on Jan 10th 2016. 

I am excited to see the many changes I will experience, already I see my face is softening up and that is with out estrogen of any kind since I don't have ovaries and I am not supplementing as of yet. I will play it by ear and see how it goes. If I take anything it will be natural, non synthetic.

As we lay in bed fasting and writing my blog, I can't help but wonder what is in store for the future. The challenges I still face with documentation changes, and learning to navigate my environment again after living life as a male identified person. I am optimistic and happy with lots of new found peace that radiates in every word I say and every thought I think. I am blessed to have a wonderful supporting spouse by my side who loves me for me, and that is whats important. My detransitioning has allowed me to have more compassion for the trans community and to be more empathetic with others. I know that many are not in accordance with the trans community for whatever reasons, but I have learned that everyone is entitled to live their lives. I do want to place emphasis on the importance to know if transitioning is right for you and not just to jump on the bandwagon because you think its the cooler thing to do. Do lots of soul searching, you don't want to do what I did and find out 13 years later that is was the wrong path. Note it was the wrong path for me, I am not saying it is the wrong path for everyone. I can only share my story and speak about me, and me alone.

Any way guys hope you are having a relaxing Sunday, I know Lynna and I are, chilling and fasting, reaching ultimate levels of healing and continuing to do much soul searching.

Lots of Love

Ritz

Realizations

Coming to terms with self is an amazing experience and not to mention very healing. I have been judged by many in all camps of the LGBT community as well as outside of it. I have done plenty of judging myself, therefore, I am just as much to blame for feeding into that paradigm. 

I want to start a new, focusing on solutions and not just pointing out the problems. In saying that, I  believe we are all hurting one way or the other, wherever we are in life. I believe that there are no coincidences and my path has not been in vein. I have grown and learn many things during my transition, and now I will put in use all of the lessons mastered into affect.

I am a wonderful human being and I will not be harsh on self or others but instead be of service for those that need it. I am at peace with my decisions and journey. I reached out to my gender therapist that I went to in 2003, I had four sessions and after she provided me with the letter, I never returned nor did she request follow up. I have forgiven myself as well as her for not really providing me with real solutions, in my opinion, 4 sessions were not enough and more were needed for better self discovery. I hope that I can raise awareness in her new practice with 20 other therapist working under her. I hope they are not so quick to hand out trans tickets to our youth and those of us who are gender variant and not fully trans. In the past I was angry and wanted everyone to fit into my regret box, but now I know that this is about me, and me alone. I want people to question their decisions, to make sure that transition is their solution. I want society to have more acceptance of gender variance, so that we don't feel the need to conform to strict gender boxes. 

I am so grateful for my epiphany, for through this I know I will be fine and heal. I hope others can also find their peace whatever form that will be. 

Let us unite, not fight, instead of pointing out problems, let us find solutions, kinder remedies, and an over all space for communication, so that we can once and for all see each other for who we are.

Love you all

Ritz

Perspectives Change, But Love Is The Same

Love Is The Key To Healing

In the past I have allowed my emotions to get the better of me, being more reactive and not really thinking things through. If someone attacked me, I felt the urge to attack back. But since my vacation in Florida and hanging out with my sister and her lover who are really working with spiritual tools to help heal the soul, I have had a change of heart on what my approach will be from now in my advocacy. I will no longer find problems but instead focus on solutions coming from the heart and not mind based. I will no longer attack communities because they are no aligned with what I think is right. 

I will work to help heal people and share my journey as a tool for healing and not destruction. I now know that my approach was wrong and that I have no one to battle with, I am here to grow and evolve as a spirit being having a human experience. I apologize to all that I have hurt in the past with my words and strict dogma on how transitioning should or should not be. I will continue to educate providing information for those who need it, but I will not judge or use harsh words. I hope the new years brings everyone peace of mind and heart. I wish everyone on whatever journey you are on, pure love and tranquility, may you find that peace you seek. I will lead by example, and hope we can all one day make peace and not war.

It has been a real snowy couple of days, lots of time to reflect on my two weeks vacation, we are looking forward to moving to Florida and looking forward to being a beacon of love and light for those who wish to hear our message.

Love to all

Ritz

Releasing The Battle

Well hello everyone, hope you enjoyed your holidays, I know we did, South Florida is an amazing place full of life and very green. Lynna and I spent an amazing two weeks with my family and getting reacquainted with our Caribbean roots. The amazing flavors of Cuban and Puerto Rican cuisine made our vacation even that more enjoyable.  The dynamics between my family and Lynna were very favorable and although I know my mother would much prefer Lynna to be fully male identified, they still made a connection that I am sure will grow as time goes by. My sister and her partner were the most gracious of hosts and made our stay there incredibly memorable. We made videos during the time there, some detransitioning ones and some as a couple.  

One of the things I learn during the past two weeks is the real pain Lynna is in and how she battles with gender and how society wishes her to be. I can be empathetic with her, since after all she is my heart and I love her beyond any measure, this love has allowed me to have more compassion for others and not just focus on my anger towards the trans community and the patriarchal system. In saying this my views are still the same, I am full on detransition mode, and I still believe that happiness is not found in an operating table or by taking hormones, but this conclusion is mine and mine alone, and I can't force my views on the trans community, it would make my plight no different than theirs as they try to force the world to see them. We have to see ourselves and realize this is a self journey and only self can be the catalyst for change.  I still feel that transition is not for everyone and that we should not facilitate the option to our youth, instead we should allow them to self express, to explore their identity and to give their bodies a fighting chance by going through puberty, its part of our human experience. 

My journey has allowed me to be grateful for having been born female, I can now appreciate who I am. My health is amazing considering I have no hormones flowing through my veins, only what my pituitary and adrenal glands are providing and I believe this will be enough to keep me healthy. I feel a sense of peace and although Lynna has been a challenge since my detransitioning, I figure it has had to be hard for her losing her Mark, the person she fell for when she headed to New Mexico. But I know deep in my heart that we will be just fine, our love is strong enough to deal with all this gender challenges and questioning of self. I hope to make mends with those I may have hurt during my retaliation phase when I felt a back lash from the trans community, I want peace for everyone and I realize that everyone is on a journey and I am no one to tell them how to travel their path. 

Here are some of the videos we made during our vacation :

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBIC9YugmzUmQ9dXsO5rXlGoAtBDeer6K

https://youtu.be/HjEeYwvcTZY

https://youtu.be/_z--G697U7E

Healing The Wounds

My sister and I

This time of year is a very hard time for many of us in the LGBT Community, as well as for those who have lost a love one or are separated from their families, for some reason or another. 

I will be heading to Florida for the holidays, a 30 hour drive, since I am not fond of airplanes, especially during this time of year. I will get to meet my first and only nephew, my younger brother and his wife recently had a baby boy, and I am looking forward to holding him in my arms. I have been pretty estranged from my family since my transition, they have accepted me now, but some how Mark has always felt foreign to my family, it is a weird feeling, as if they weren't my family, I can't really explain it, but the coming home for Christmas will be a healing, a reuniting of sorts, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I want to tell my mother that she was right, I want to apologize for all the pain I have caused them, and make peace where there was once war.  

I know how important it is for trans individuals to feel family love after their transitioning, but many in the community do not realize that it is not an easy task, that even if they accept you, there is this deep pain that never goes away, we killed the one they loved and replaced it with a stranger.  It takes time, and even after many years, the dynamics are never the same.

I am looking forward to seeing my younger sister who identifies as a lesbian, we were very close before my transition, had a rocky patch afterwards, but then we resumed our relationship, but I am sure it was not the same for her. I appreciated the love she continued to give me as Mark, but I can't wait to hug her and give her, her sister back, something I am sure she longed for.

As I have mentioned before on many of my entries, we are not the only victims here, in fact the victims are our love ones, they are the ones that had no clue as we ripped apart their hearst when we killed the one they love. I know, I know, many don't think so, but this is how I see it, we can't expect people to be onboard with our reality.

Healing is essential for growth and one of the reasons, I believe, we are here on earth, to evolve and grow as spirit beings.  I am looking forward to this Holiday season, to have my family meet Lynna my spouse, and hope the day comes where I can meet her family, everything in due time, patience is an important factor for growth. We are here to evolve, let us not forget that, let us not fall for our own self pity and hurt, step outside of self and be a spectator, then and only then can you see the paradigm you are in, and hopefully learn the lessons you are here to learn. 

I will be taking a sabbatical from blogging, spending time with my family, showing Lynna around South Florida and just enjoying the holidays, I may do a few videos so check in on my  You Tube Channel 

I hope all of you have an amazing Holiday and New Years, I love you, but remember to love yourselves too.

Maritza Cummings

Wrong Body Or Mind?

The whole transgender concept when delving into its deep roots and etiology,  points out to a human psyche issue, based on childhood traumas, neurological impairments and over all lack of self acceptance stemming from religious upbringing or any environment that did not foster self worth and individuality.  It does not take a rocket scientist to break down the factors that created this phenomenon where grown men and women decide that they can change their gender like they change a pair of underwear. Individuality and self expression is not to be mistaken with wrong bodies, its more like societies attempt to normalize individuality by making people conform into a gender box.

When we hear account after account, the narratives all seem the same with a few added or missing factors. But what all these individuals, to include myself, have in common is self hate and lack of self acceptance, creating the illusion that they can swap their sex because they felt different during their younger years, and are not happy with the body they were given. There is nothing wrong with their bodies or genitals, but everything wrong with their thought process and realities.  They lack the capability to understand reality and live their lives emulating a temper tantrum child when they don't hear what they want to hear, or are not allowed to pursue their wishes.

Their lives are based on fun filled adventures, attempting to copy the gender they feel they are, but in the end fail miserably because they are not equipped with the tools needed to be that gender, only creating a character at best, cherry picking the characteristics of the gender they are trying to emulate. They are lacking self awareness and making everyone their target, blaming their lives on others without being able to take responsibility.

What the trans community need is to face the truth, to own their mistakes and issues, to realize that the sex they were given at birth was not an assigned sex, but a sex that they are, the sooner they accept truth and reality, the quicker they will learn and be able to live life in happiness, expressing freely without the needed validation from the world.  This is the secret to my awakening and making peace with who I am. Once I stopped fighting the world, the struggles ended, and I am now able to be free to be me.

Detransitioning initial video

For many people detransitioning seems to be harder than the original route of transitioning and I expected a lot more complications and mental distress than I have been going through. In fact, it has been smooth sailing on my part, the initial awkwardness with Lynna lasted a few days and we have since been great.

I believe that the secret to my success is owning my past journey and not allowing guilt, remorse, frustration or anger into the picture.  I own my past, the path I chose, and now its time to take a different turn. I enjoyed the past 13 years, learn so much from my transition and now I am ready to put all into perspective and grow. Initially I had problems with my look, dealing with letting go of the egotistical creation, putting it aside and letting my true self shine. Sometimes we create characters to help deal with the pain from childhood traumas, and challenges we face as adults, as long as we know and realize that, that is all it is, then we can move on in a healthy fashion. My advise to all of you, do not get too attached to your new self, and don't forget who you really are, it will keep you healthier in the end. If you let it, your new self will try to kill the old and it will destroy you in ways you never thought imaginable.

It is your journey and your path, it was created to help you heal, don't loose sight of that and you will be just fine.  Don't abandon all your other loves and interest and make this new creation the center of your world, it will take over and that is not at all good. Be aware of what you are doing, if this creation is to be your therapy, make sure that it is serving its purpose and not creating more problems for you. Don't find yourself putting all your eggs in one basket and thinking that this is going to solve all of your problems, it will not, in fact it can create even more. Just stay balanced and aware.

Here is the beginning of my vlogging series

Stopping T Improves Health

http://www.eulogia.org/the-dangers-of-testosterone-therapy/

Two of the many side affects that I noticed with T, was an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, two of the most damaging results that can lead to stroke, heart attacks and death. Since stopping T, my usual pulse of 98-102, placing tremendous strain on my heart, has now dropped to 84 with only 4 weeks off T. My Blood pressure which I have kept under control while on T by using Hawthorn Berries supplementation, ranged from  124/92- 128/89, and now its 103 /73 a remarkable drop in such a short period of time. If I would have continued to be on T, I would surely have died from a stroke or massive heart attack, the strain I placed on my heart was enormous and all for what?

Now if we break down the many dangerous effects that cross sex hormones have on trans individuals, it makes sense not to take them. First of all if your body was meant to have synthetic hormones from your opposite sex, you would have been born the gender you so desperately want to be. Instead you are "forced" to take a substance that is not meant for your body or receptors, according to your chromosomes and DNA, this only creates health issues that are clearly noted, such as increase in heart disease, cancer, blood clots that lead to stroke and heart attacks, liver and kidney damage, brain damage and more. Why put your body in danger in attempts to alter your gender, while your sex remains the same?

Could you not as easy live life expressing as you wish without having to cater to societies needs of gender boxing? Do you not care enough about yourself and health to forgo such crazy practices? Are you that superficial that you base your life on looks and presentation based on a system that creates these situations to profit from? I know I fell for the trap and only wish I could turn back time, but since I can't the only sane thing for me to do is help others understand that there are other ways of living your truth. You need to start by loving yourself unconditionally, stop obsessing over the physical and work on the inner you, the one that really needs all of your attention.

I plan to not take any hormones at all, although I have no ovaries to produce my natural dose of estrogen, I will simply continue my healthy lifestyle of eating plant based products, drinking lots of water, exercising and meditating. I hope to be an inspiration to many young women who are being sold the lie, that their bodies are imperfect and that they need to be someone they are not. Till next time....

Facing Truth

One of the things that frustrates me the most about this community is the lack of self awareness and ability to reason with truth. I can understand not liking the body you were giving, the gender you were pronounced at birth, but just because you don’t like it or want it, does not give you the right to negate it. You can alter yourself all you want, heck pay a doctor enough and he will attach horns on your head and you can call yourself the devil if you like, but please, please, have some sort of reality check and realize that you are not the opposite gender you were born as, no matter what procedure you get.

I believe many of these individuals really believe in their minds and hearts that they are the opposite gender they were born as, and the actual medical "professionals" who are enabling these individuals are not helping them in the least.  In fact, they are creating monsters, instead of placing a sense of reality on these folks.  The notion is that they can be who they want to be and dare anyone question or challenge their beliefs, and here is where the pathology begins. Its not that you like to wear dresses, make up and heels if you were born a man, its the notion that you can change your sex and expect everyone to bow down to your wishes and fantasies. Shaming real women, forcing men to date them and visa versa. 

The lack of self awareness is where the danger stems and in the end when the walls come crashing down, these individuals end up committing suicide, and or living a life of deep depression even after all they did. No procedure can ever change your biology, nothing that you can do will ever make you a real boy or girl, you are the sex you were born as and the sooner you accept this, the happier you will be.

Detransition progress is going well, I am feeling more and more at peace with me, and can't ever believe I allowed myself to think I could change my gender or be happy with the change. The consciousness always prevails and we can't escape our inner voice, not for long anyways. In fact, I am excited to see what lies ahead, and to be able to be a beacon a light for others who have also fallen prey for th trans agenda, letting them know that they can be themselves without hurting their bodies, their love ones and their future, because there is no future in this endeavor, it only brings destruction, unless you are one of the lucky ones who has been chosen to be a soldier for the cause. The ones they are using now to lure everyone in, promising them fame and fortune, and all the attention money can buy, but this fame and fortune will not last forever, for once they achieve what they want, they will drop you like a lead balloon.  

Let's stand up for what really counts, allowing our future gender variant kids, teens and adults to be happy with their bodies and life, let us teach acceptance, let us change the way society looks at gender norms and make this world a safer place for us all, instead of promoting the medicalization of gender and quick fix that will lead to a quicker death. Till next time...

The Masks We Create

Remove the veil, remove the face, the usual narratives we all face, it is nothing more than a cry for help, creating a character that comes from hell, it has to be, when you look back and see the pain you have caused and all you took in the quest of your "happiness". Get defensive all you want, it is about time someone stood up to you and your cause. The go fund me accounts, the telling everyone to respect your pronouns and your plight, well what about the real world, doest that not count? You live in fantasy, every move you make is consumed by the creation in your mind, that you are trying to bring to life.  Fix yourself, really fix it, not just bandaid it with hormones and surgeries, you are in need of a revelation to stop the lies and your frustrations of wanting to fit in to a world that associates our kind as deplorable and unacceptable. 

Be wise, be real, accept the you that you were born as, doesn't mean you have to kiss ass, or be something you are not, but don't think for one moment that you will be able to alter your gender, it is all a fable, a big fat lie, one that you may get away with during the coarse of time, but there will come a day when your conscious will give you away.  Wait for it, I guarantee you, that your quest for this stunt is like Evil Knievel, but even he fell down and broke many bones, and eventually had to stop the show. 

You want to be brave, then step forward, and throw it all away, all the stereotypes you are trying to play. Stop feeding the system that is corrupting our world, our bodies and souls. You created this character to save you from your past, the ridicules you faced, all your insecurities and lack of say, it helped you talk and feel more confident, but of coarse it did, you now are on stage with a different number and name, no longer being criticized by the audience you face. They can't hurt you, cause the mask you have on your face, hides the true you that you hated each and every day.  The new you is more fabulous, wears fun clothes, sports new muscle, you feel invincible and strong, prettier than ever, more attention from the admirers who are as hurt as you, you feed each other without a clue. Time to wake up from the act, being you is the best thing to do in fact, give the real you a chance, now that you have tools to advance, it wasn't all bad, he/she taught you a lot, make it last. Teach the world what bravery is, and help the rest of the lost souls come back.  

Who Are We Kidding?

Ritz then with Dad and Auntie

Video after video, transition after transition, these extremely sad individuals who will stop at nothing to accomplish the fairy tale in their minds, are not for one minute stopping to see what it is that they are actually doing.  Who in their right mind, will destroy their genitals in the attempts to have another created? Now I am not trying to make fun or disrespect anyone, I am just trying to rap my head at the practice that many, including myself underwent, believing we can be a different biology from the one we were born as. 

Watching the creation being made, their voices, attitudes and persona change, as if taking on a role in a New York production on Broadway. It is so fake and unnatural. I look back at my own pictures as Mark, hair chest, sprouted beard, muscles and of coarse the swagger that demanded respect, yet, it was all a creation, a false notion, no different than getting into character before entering the stage. The stage in this situation is life, where these young men and women want to play their role in Hollywood, have their 15 minutes of fame. If their interest was really to "fix" their gender dysphoria, why are they always in the lime light, promoting their newly made character and flashy new name?

Instead of trying to make it into People's magazine or in the front page of Mens Fitness, these so called gender dysphoria soldiers would lay low, live a productive life in the role they transition to, and not be as demanding, boisterous and harmful to the gender they claim they are. 

After 13 years living as Mark, I learned many things, and one of these real important things I learned was that no matter what a person does to change their outside, they will always be the same on the inside. If you want change, change needs to come from within, learning to care for others, be a bright light for the darkness and stop being so self centered, something this trans community is all about, I know I was. 

Mark the Character

I learn that no matter what I did to my exterior, I was still a woman, always will be, can't change that, nor would I want to. I learn the world of men and how much I really do not want to be part of it. I believe that what I have learn will help me help others, I see life totally different now and I am proud of my return. My advice to trans folks is stop trying to change the world and your exterior, be happy with who you are, if you want to change, change the things like the lack of self love and conditions you place on your happiness, cause in the end when your FFS starts to droop, and your not so new man made vagina or penis starts to malfunction and it served you no purpose, you will look back and wonder what the heck did I do? 

So stop all that energy, worrying and frustrations you are placing on yourself and start doing something productive, like mentoring these gender variant kids and teach them they are perfect the way they are. 

Any how, my detransition progress is going great, still have the occasional headaches from the cessation of Testosterone, still battling with my hair growth on my face and body and the lack of hair on my head, but other than that I feel great. 

Ritz now